oh well

ever get the feeling that no one listens to you..its like mommy just flat out ignores what i told her last week..i already had plans tonight and i told her i couldnt go home until later tonight and now its like i never said it because she will end up here before i even get out of class and then i just have to go home..and i will end up missing my meeting because i guess it wasnt important enough to remember..good thing i told yvonne i couldnt go see her play tonight..i would have missed it either way..but im going on monday and that works out better...all of it is depressing..im expecting her to call and tell me she is sending someone else up here and i nneed to be home and ready..that just made me mad and so i ended up having to rush and get everything done and they were later than expected anyway..going home is to much work sometimes..to much effort to try to not listen and take out the important stuff without holding on to the stuff that just gets me in trouble..so i woke up early and did laundry and now im home between classes so i can get everything packed and in order..then i have to go to my other classes and maybe my meeting depending on when she decides to head up here..then i dont know..the more the day progresses the sadder i get..without any real reason..im back to really wanting to cry without any real reason...trying to keep my head as empty as i can just because it makes things a little easier..i have to keep reminding myself that cutting is bad and maybe i wont do it today at least and to keep busy im in the process of shooting silly string at my door..not my smartest idea since now i have it all over the floor too b ut it was entertaining and now dusti is studying the door trying to figure it out lol..guess ive wasted enough time..gotta go something productive..but watching part of narnia again looks way more appealing. that prolly goes to avoiding but i havent finsihed thinking about that just yet..got sidetracked yesterday and stopped working on it..i want to go to sleep..i dont want to go to class and ill suffer through going home because i said i would and ill be getting paid for most of my time at home..but still home is i dont know..i still dont think its right to not want to go home..ill be stuck spending the rest of the day listening to my head argue..makes me think of watching a tennis match...two sides, one for and one against and there is way more in the against side than the other one..the for side hardly ever wins but its still alwaqys the same fight, same argument, even if the against side wins nothing happens..more often than not i think that side gives up after a while..at least im not suicidal this time...not great but ill get over it.i always do after a while