back and forth

I dont need to make plans because i hardly ever stick to them..im supposed to be working on my paper and instead i spent the day shopping and spending money..i really didnt plan on buying anything and ended up wtih a bunch of stuff..i really want to be disappointed in myself but i dont want to cause i like what i bought and most of my money went to lunch anyway...yvonne and i went to olive garden..my idea incredibly because i dont like olive garden at all and iwas really just going to get breadsticks ane we ended up ordering appitizers and dessert..and it was fun and i poured diet coke into a wine glass and of course put my straw in it..and i even ate what i ordered and it was pasta free cas pasta is just kinda gross..yvonne ate some of what i ordered to because i wasnt eating it anyway..dessert was the best part..moinly because it had ice cream with it and i told yvonne i would bring my own sprinkles next time because olive garden doesnt have sprinkles for there ice cream..thats like me asking for ketshup at the hiabaci because i didnt like any of there sauces..then i fished the ice out of my drink by using straws as chopsticks and for the record that really just doesnt work..and that was aafter i spilled most of my drink swtiching cups..we went and looked at the kittens in petsmart and i got yvonne ballons and flowers for tonight and then proceeded to choke myself on the strings when i was walking out the door..we went to this really colorful store called pizzaz i think and she still managed to get me something without me seeing her..now i have princess tape :) that im so gonna stick all over the place...went home and changed for tonight and now im in the computer lab wasting time...its been a really busy day but fun too..i seriously think me and yvonne somehow complete each other..im her quiet side and shes my uninhibited side...and i got a new coloring book today and candy i didnt really need but got anyway..looked at stickers and posters in the craft store..talked about getting married and naming kids..odd convos..i think i was poked with a breadstick..and i did the usual and called most of the food on the menu gross

i dropped by prof dunns office today because i was trying to waste time while yvonne was doing some class work and i didnt really have anywhere else to go and of course she was in her office today and so i ended up talking to her...and now ive been stuck thinking about what she asked me..last time i was in her office i asked how old she was and i knew she had an older son and i had an idea of how old she was but i was still off .. she doesnt look her age at all, she looks so much younger infact, like not my age but not much older than me..and if i didnt know she had kids i would have been a lot more off with her age but anyway..she asked me how old i felt emotionally..the problem wasnt that she asked because i have thought about the subject before but its that she kinda implied i would say a much younger age than i was..and i didnt give her an age because i didnt want to and i had to think about it but the first age that came to mind was like 9..and riley is 9 and i know how he acts and well it doesnt really fit...so i said i didnt know and we talked about how like sometimes a kid can stop growing emotionally if something traumatic happens..and ive heard it before but its still a lot different coming from a teacher..i swear she seriously wants to know more about me and i dont plan on telling her much more than she knows and i dont even know a lot of myself..but anyway..thinking about it makes sense..more than i want it to because it wouldnt take a genious to figure out that im not socailly where im supposed to be at..emotionally it would take a little longer to figure out..and just knowing me in general wouldnt give that info away..like today i got yvonne a disney princess ballon and she told me that coming from me it makes sense..i know most of the pixar and disney movies by heart and yvonne knows that..she also knows that me and mommy dont really get along great..yea everytime i come back i have more clothes than i know what to do with but still..now im worried that maybe im childish and i really want to ask yvonne what she thinks because she knows me the most on a person to person basis because well i live with her..i could ask some ppl online but it wouldnt be the same becasuae they know me kinda by what i do and then by what i like..the ones i talk to alot know me a little bit but still its not the same as seeing someone everyday...besides yvonne hasnt ever told me i needed to grow up or change..sometimes when im in a bad mood ill tell myself that but i dont really mean it..im not really sure what id be if i really grew up...i know i havent not counting body growing..im stuck in some kid phase i just dont know which it is..maybe a part of it is denial because everyone seems to want to talk about that lately..like im really aviodiung something i dont want to see or deal with and eventually it will find a way out and i even try to ignore that and end up cutting or something..so it doesnt make any sense..if i know im doing it then why wont i stop..maybe not stop but why cant i see what im doing...hiding from reality doesnt work because when i do that i forget about all the good stuff i get to do..like going out with yvonne was fun..that really happened and there was nothing to change about it..but i dont know if ill remember it..i dont want to forget it but sometimes my head just has a mind of its own..and once i start grouping things together for whatever reason i start losing stuff in a way...i can hide stuff from myself but then iforget where it goes or how to get it back..somethings i know like the cinderalla clock, the march of the penguins posters, the princess stuff, the jack jack attack book..those i know i got and i remember them..but i dont remember what happened last year or the year before that or ten years before that..not really specfic things..more general stuff i guess..i dont know if im afraid to remember anything or if i just forget because i can..or maybe i dont forget at all and its all still in my head i just cant find it or recall it if i needed too..so in so many ways i am such a kid and as much as i might like it -end that thought for a sec- i want to be protected from being hurt and for some reason i dont see that happening as an adult..i want to stay a kid because that means there will always be someone there to make sure im ok..even if it doesnt happen the thought is there..i cant protect myself and in truth no one else does but still sometimes it just feels like im being looked out for..yvonne does it alot and her mom too..catrina and janet do it and in a way so does dr bass and prof dunn and dr miller..i think ive mixed up caring and protection..i know if anything really happened they couldnt do anything to stop it..but on a day to day basis i know that if i needed something they would help..and so that means my docc would protect me in a way too..i dont know..yvonne really has no idea how much she helps me without her knowing it..and i know that one day i will tell her..maybe all of it too but she does so much that i dont ask for that i really appreciate and randomly need and i have no idea what i would do without her..we talked about what things would be like if we never met..she said im her favorite roommate and that she would rather live with me than anyone else..and its not that i was looking for that when the convo started but still it was nice to hear...i dont want to lose that and i think if i change i would..llike suddenly i would be expected to do things by myself without help and deal with everything..like suddenly no one would care anymore..even if most of the time i dont even want anyone to care..and for some reason hearing that someone likes me makes me incredibly nervous..i told prof dunn today not to tell me why she likes talking to me..i tell that to dr bass too..i dont know why riley and harris prefer having me at there house..not my fault no one will play with them..yea they have my attention when im there..and riley and harris hug me so much..and as much as i hate being touched..ive gotten better about it..with those two it doesnt matter if i want to be hugged or not because they do it anyway..i think im just rambling now..im thinking of something that is just staying right out of my awareness..just writing until i can find out what it is kinda..but i ahve to go soon too so who knows..hmm back to the childish thing..maybe im lacking in the emotional dept more than i thought i was..and i call it not growing up but its all the same thing and all of it just has to be connected..cant work on one without everything else having to come up..not even going as slow as i possibly can and not talking about anything can stop any of it...all the stupid nights im afraid to sleep or like last night when i take enough meds to make sure i sleep or the nights i have so much going on in my head i cant sleep even if i want too..acceptance doesnt mean approval and thats something else im not getting..if i want to get to the bottom of everything then i have to accept it but that means i would really have to stop avoiding the truth..thats all i do..everyday all day..i dont think about what i know to be true..instead i make of other stuff or tell myself it didnt happen or say its all a lie that ive some how made up..but why would i make it all up? even yvonne picked up on how mommy treats me that last time she went out with all of us..if yvonne can see it then why cant i? why does the truth have to be so scary..why is it that i can completely go away when i dont like something? sometimes i worry i wont be able to come back..like i can go far enough away and get lost in my head..and then what would happen? what will i do? where in the world would i be? i dont want to get lost in my head..there are places even i refuse to go and its my head so that means i put what ever is there in there in the first place..and still sometimes im afraid of what i think about..i dont know how i can have so much going on in my head and still function every day..sometimes i wonder if i can get better..i wonder whats really the point of having to deal with all of this..why doesnt ignoring it work anymore..i dont think i will handle the truth well at all so i keep avoiding it..which i need to remember to write for my little homework thing im still putting off...its ok to comfort a kid and tell them everything will be ok..lie or not you still tell them that..and i want that..i dont think i ever got it because everything was my fault..everything is my fault..everything keeps being my fault and i dont know why or how to stop it..somehow ive gotten back to thinking i dont deserve to be helped..and i know i do make things incridibly difficult when they dont eneed to be..but letting it be easy doesnt seem right either and its not..none of it is easy and iwish it was..the scars on my wrist refuse to fade this time..