today was umm long..lost my phone and freaked out until i found it again and i just left it on the bus..and it wasnt that i even lost my phone that bothered me..it was that i would have to tell mommy if i didnt find it..kinda warped way tto look at it but it was the first thing i thought about after of course i yelled at myself for losing it in the first place..but i found it without any trouble and went and bought chronicles of narnia and now im watching it..walking is still a major pain in the butt and i cant walk around in flip flops with bandaids covering the back of my feet..so im just hoping it will get better before saturday..i found out i might be going to the circus and that would be a lot of fun..ive taken them before and they loved it..i thought it was great too and i think that was the first time i went to the circus..so home it is..hmm still dont really want to go but its just for a couple dayss...next week ill have to worry about when it gets here..and once again im completely forgetting what i was thinking of writing..so back on topic..narnia is a great place..ok now back on subject
why cant girls be knights
i know i have a few control issues..mostly centered around not having any but i never would have thought that would be a reason for why i liked playins sims so much..that would go for all video games..i really like the ones where i have the control to say what goes on and when and how..its just so much easier controlling something like that vs controlling like my life...but in reality as in like sitting on the couch reality its not fun controlling someone else or trying to control someone else..because there you waste so much energy worrying about someone else that i guess you start losing control of yourself in a way..i might not have the control dealing with myself but im pretty sure i dont control someone else..i think id rather just get my control back and leave everything else alone..or try to anyway..but i dont know if that would mean i would have to take away the control mommy has or come up with my own..not that im exactly sure how that would happen..can two people control the same person? maybe but i think eventually it would have to go one way or the other..it would be a battle all the time if two ppl controlled one..there would always be a conflict..always something thats not right..but thats kinda the way it is now..leaning way more on mommy for the actual control part and i just randomly manage to have control for little bits of time..so much stuff to work on it seems like..
skipping ahead..topic of the day is aviodance and why it works...i think i like it..never had to think about it really..almost second nature like a bunch of other things..so guess ill start with the basics..i know the definition of avoidance and when i think about it i just think of putting off doing something i dont want to do. and i do it all the time..most obviously with talking on the phone..i dont like it and i dont do it unless i have and even then i wait until the last possible minute to do it..i wait until i have to do it and there is no way out of it..but i think the same works for all the emotions im not dealing with or accepting..if im putting them off and not dealing with them it does nothing except turn around and come out in my dreams or make me refuse to stop thinking about stuff or do all the impluse stuff..more than i admitted to anyway..but not admitting it doesnt make it go away for good..avoiding it does nothing except make me afraid to sleep..all of that just makes me wonder why i keep doing it if i know it doesnt work as much as i like to believe it does..i do it because its the only way w
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