nothing

oddest question of the week...is mommy jealous of me? maybe not jealous but when i thought it up jealous was the first thing that came to mind..and then of course i had to laugh at just how off the wall that thought is..someone jealous of me is the same as someone walking off the earth..and everyone knows that is just not gonna happen..so how i thought it up..i was walking by myself across campus in the middle of the night and was half listening to music and half thinking..im still surprised i manage night to run into anything when i walk and think about a million things at the same time..before i talked to harris earlier i talked to mommy and of course went through the same old stuff but she said that harris had gotten something else for me..and that they are always getting me things but they rarely get her anything..and i didnt thinkabout it when i heard it because shes said it before..and while iwas in the movie tonight i remembered it and i dont know why she would keep bringing it up if she didnt like it or either she was jealous..riley and harris are two kids i really do like and for some reason they really like me..they still cry for me to come over, they cry when i have to go home, they call and now email me..and all i do is spend the weekend playing with them when i can..video games and online games, cooking and tons of movies, we play board games and shot targets in the backyard..for two days they have my undivided attention and somehow i have become etched into there existence if i want to be or not im there..and i dont even know why it would matter that much..i didnt start out babysitting them with the goal in mind to make them like me..there are times they annoy me so much and i dont want to be at there house or the times i dont let them do something or send them to bed early and they all but tell me they dont like me..and still an hour later they are back to sitting in my lap or wanting me to do something with me..weird how it works out actually..but i still dont get why it would make her jealous..but i really think she is maybe not a lot but enough to bring it up and point it out that i get special treatment sometimes..and then she has to make me feel horrible to make up for it or something..its not fair..

when i was asked why its harder to accept the good stuff over bad things i didnt really know except that it was just easier..but i do know..im starting to wonder what i dont know..and its not really i know i just dont notice it until it gets pointed out or i have to think up an answer..so anyway..good over bad isnt easy because as soon as i start to like something it will get taken away or just go away..if its good and i like it then i cant keep it..letting go though is different from accepting it i think..might not be..ended up talking half about suicide and other stuff..annnnnd darn now i forgot what i was going to say