reflections and insight...

-+i would assume that for all logicstical purposes si am a little late for the whole reflection and insight speech...

after a little over 4 months ..i cut..why..i dont know..i was overwhelmed..worried about so many things..just having a hard time dealing with things..life..people..i spent two days last week doing absolutely nothing..no work..no paperwork..no writing..no reading ..nothing..the hours slipped away and i cant remember doing a single important thing in those 50 or so hours..and then i did go to work 3 days and struggled to care..struggled to pay attention..i wasnt up for anything ... and i dont know what started it..i mean i wasnt thinking that the trip home messed me up that much..i thought i was managing ..i thought i was ok..but i guess that isnt 100% true..it would have been nice to figure out
';'/;'''' a little bit sooner that my depression was getting worse..and maybe i did realize it and just hoped it wou pld go away..hoped i would be able to manage..in the end..it was just overwheleming until it got to the point of wanting a way out..i wanted to cut earlier in the week..i had gotten as far as finding and taking out my razors..but when it came down to it..i couldnt do it..i couldnt let myself do it..so i used my 2nd escape route and took enough meds that i knew i would sleep and then i wouldnt have to think...i think my dreams where bad last week but i dont remember them..i know i was afraid..that i was in danger..but i dont know from who or from what..but sleep was not good if i did not take the meds to calm down..add in all the worrying about my brother and his car situation..and money issues and bills and everything and its just ..it became to much..i couldnt think..i couldnt breathe..i wanted to hide..and so in the end i cut..not completely bad .. well the cuts could have been a lot worse and had i not cut my wrist they probably would have been worse..but there is a certain amount of restraint that comes into play if i am cutting my wrist..that is a fine line to the playing with because ive gone over and over the vein in my wrist and as much as i want to just cut and watch it bleed ..i know that doing it would get me a one way trip to the hospital..and i have to restrain my desires to die..and just go with the need to feel something..to get out of my head for a little while...and for a little while it worked..my head was clear..i could think..i wasnt worried or scared..i had something to focus on..becuase i am competely ashamed to say that i missed it..the pain..seeing the cuts..knowing that if i kept at it then everything would stop..i didnt want to die..i just wanted things to stop..i wanted a break from myself and i didnt know how else to get it...

so fast forward a bit..and i realized that i had messed up that i was right back at square one and i was ahamed of myself..ashamed of what i had done..and then i didnt know what to do..i covered them up and went to work...and i just kept wondering how it is that no one else knew..no one else could look at me and see just how much i had messed up...they couldnt see my fear or my worries...it was just another work day..and i was just one more person passing through...i considered calling courtney..i knew i wouldnt be able to get to alice until next week..refused to even consider calling crisis..i wasnt having a crisis..i cut and i stopped and i went on with my day..the crisis was over and done with..but i knew i needed to talk to someone because i didnt trust that i wouldnt get home and just keep cutting..i wanted to hurt..i needed something to break though the fog that was covering my mind...so i spent some time going back and forth texting with a friend..and i dont know.it wasnt helping..i was getting angry..i was begging for forgivness..i was obssessed thinking that she was just going to hate me..be mad at me..i worried..well i still worry that alice and courtney will be mad at me..becuase i failed..because i was trying to stop and i couldnt ...so as paranioa set in my client was asking about going and seeing his case manager at the clinic..great you know..i had managed to talk myself out of calling courtney..but the odds of being in the case management part of the clinic and not seeing courtney was just not in my favor..because as much as i wanted to avoid her..i wanted to talk to her..i was feeling guilty and shamed and i just didnt know what to do with myself..so i got someone to see if she was available and just as i was hoping she wouldnt be out in time for me to see her..she completely comes out and its like crap!! so i asked if i could talk to her for a little bit..and of course then i couldnt even figure out what to say...words escaped me..as much as i wanted to tell her what i had done i couldnt..i couldnt get the words out at all..it didnt help at all that courtney started asking what happened because i looked guilty..and so i told her first that i was being mean to myself and hadnt taken my meds this morning..which at the time was a great idea...but i also knew that if i didnt get them soon i was really going to start falling much faster..and told her as much..and of course sitting with her ..i could see just how not smart that idea was..because at the time that morning it was me against the world i guess..and i was determined to win..but in reality...you know that place that i sometimes forget exists ..i realized that it was not smart at all and that i truly wasnt hurting anyone else but myself..because i know that without the meds..i become much omre unstable...much faster..not to mention when i didnt take the pysch meds i didnt take any of my other meds either..so it was like great...but the plan had been i was going to just not taken any of them anymore..that was my idea of how to get back at whatever it was that was bothering me so very much..but in telling courtney this is realized that well in about 3 hours i will feel awful..and if i start withdrawing from the medicine it would just cause  even more problems..told her that..and then after wasting some more time avoiding looking at her..i managed to tell her that i  had an accident..and the this is ..courtney isnt stupid .. not knowing my history..because first of all i was just all out lying..well avoiding the complete truth..it was an accident..it was a calculated accident..but all the same ugh..i dont know..so i just said i had an accident and that my cat had scratched me..which then turned into her asking if i was telling the truth or if i had cutt..and she asked to see ..and i showed her..because well she asked..and i guess on some level it eased my conscious just a little for someone else to know..i told her..well promised to take care of them..and all of that..and she was nice enough to let me know that of course she would be telling alice about my impromptu visit today..and i of course started to tell her that she wouldnt see her again before i did..and of course that was shot down pretty quickly after i was informed they have a staff meeting on monday...so then it really was like crap crap double crap...but i also know i went to courtney for a reason..and yes as much as i may have half heartedly objected to her telling me she would tell alice..i already knew she would..i wanted her to tell..not that im to thrilled to be admitting that..at the time i truly was worried but later after thinking about i knew what was going to happen..i knew courtney wouldnt keep it to herself..and so i dont know maybe it will help calm me down knowing that alice will know before i see her...i didnt promise courtney that i would get rid of my razors..i told her i would think about it...but right now i am afraid to get rid of them..im afraid to be without them completely..not now..i just need to get through dec in one piece..which is saying alot because the need to destory myself is still pretty strong in my mind..

i worked until about 3 and then i was starting to shut down..i knew it was happening and i knew i couldnt deal with being around anyone else..i finished working with the person i was with and made it home..but my focus was shot..i wasnt paying attention while i was driving.. i was to busy thinking..i was getting caught up again in a lot of negative thoughts..and the realistic stuff just wasnt getting through..i was not in a good place at all by the  time i got home..and my need for reassurance was through the roof..and without knowing how to get it or where to get it from..i messaged two different ppl to talk..to distract me..i knew what i wanted..and i was obssessing over telling them what happened and why..i asked them repeatedly to not be mad at me..but i was becoming upset..angry and stopped wanting to talk just as quickly
as i had said i did want to talk..suddenly i wanted to be truly left alone..i left alone..i was alone..and i didnt want anything from anyone..which lead to my minor breakdown..and i say minor only because i dont know what else to call it...it is not often that i am upset to the point of crying..and most importantly never about myself. but yesterday i started crying and cried for a little while..trying to figure out how the day had gotten to this point..and in the mix of all of this i realized that i wanted kathy..that i wanted to talk to her..that i wanted a n hug from her..i didnt call or message her..because i didnt know what to tell her..i didnt know how to ask for anything at all..so i cried and just felt epically sorry for myself..i had managed to isolate and trap myself so completely that i did not know how to get out of it..went through the whole my head hurts i cant breathe type crying spell..and finally i started to think that i needed to calm down..that i need to just be still for a while ..and so i actually used the little music thing that i have on my kindle..and it did take a little while before i could hear and actually focus on the music and not my thoughts..i was able to quiet down..i shut off every mode of communication that i had..my phone was off..my computer was off..i couldnt be reached at all..and eventually i spelt.. i slept for almost 4 hours before i started to wake up again..and woke up completely disoriented..and so so tired.. i did apoligize for my behavior with the two ppl i had been talking to earlier..but i still wasnt up for talking much or anything..so all i ended up doing was eventually getting up to feed the cats and get something to eat and i laid back down..and went back to sleep... i kept thinking that i needed to write yesterday,,but i couldnt .. i didnt have the words..i couldnt remember..

when i work up this morning..my head was clearer..i was calmer..the need to punish myself has lessened quite a lot..and i even managed to get up and go to the grocery store this morning..

now i can look at yesterday with a bit of objectivity and realize that it was just a bad day..and that i made a mistake..that today is day 1 again but that it is ok..well trying to be ok about it ...

so i will see what today brings..i am tired and will most likely be sleep again soon..but after that..and tomorrow..i dont know..i cant look that far ahead when im having trouble in the present.. it becomes to much ...

sometimes..i really am just so tired of all of this..of struggling so much just to do the daily every day stuff..when  all i really want to do is get in bed and never ever get up again...sometimes i just dont want to do it anymore...i just dont know ..