Stuck

This is where I am at right now.  I am losing touch with reality and I know I am.  I know that it will take everything I have to get through the next week and a half, and then I will be able to breath again. Then I will be able to look forward and not back.  I know I have choices to make, and that only I can make them.  I am afraid of making the wrong choice.  I am afraid of moving forward, instead of backwards.  I look backwards with such yearning that it makes my heart hurt.  That is what I know, that is where I have found comfort, and peace and even though it is mixed up with harm, dysfunction, and hate. It is what I have known for more than half of my life so far.  It is what I am afraid to give up.  I want to close my eyes and take a leap forward, just move forward without knowing what will happen.  I am afraid, so very afraid.  Right now though I do not feel I can make a choice either way.  Now I am in survival mode, I just want to get through the next few days in one piece, without the fear and sadness overwhelming me. I want to find my own source of happiness, and finding it will mean again stepping outside of where I have grown comfortable.  It means changing, growing, learning.  It means being capable of so much more, of loving, caring, giving. 

I am currently stuck, waiting for answers to the questions that I am afraid to ask.  Yet, until I ask them, I will stay stuck.