i dont know how it took me so long to think in this darn circle that doesnt seem to end..its like the circle is developing cracks but still im still going around and around because the cracks are still not big enough to cause me to stop and go in a different direction..and i think that scares me..knowing that there are spacing forming in my thinking..and that i am being forced to rethink about things..i want to understand..but i get so frustrated because it takes me so long to figure things out..and then i just get even more frustrated to realize that the things alice says has some truth in them..when they are pertaining to me and my thinking and things..and i am not liking that too much..i dont like that someone else can see what i cant see.and then point it out to me...
so there is a point to this...
all week i have been thinking either on purpose or accidently about the whole self care topic that we talked about last week...and i think that underneath everything i never really stopped thinking about it..i wanted to figure it out to much..i wanted to know why i was so bothered by the conversation..why i was so upset about something that seemed to be so very straightforward...and i think i admitted defeat at some point last week..because i know i got all the way to complete and utter shut down mode..i didnt care about anything at all for a couple days... but then things sorta evened out and then the whole school thing in ct happened..and it brought a lot of stuff for me...i have a hard time staying objective on things when children are involved..children who are hurt, killed...i dont understand that..and so i couldnt let it go..i couldnt get out of my thoughts...i wrote..i made collages..i stopped watching the news and i am trying to avoiding going on the new websites...i cant read it because i am not able to deal with it..and then i just feel bad for not being able to deal with it...and i did cut yesterday..and my mind calmed down...it is still calmer than it was..but the thoughts and guilt have started invading again about the cutting..like im just not trying..but i know thats not true either...and i really just want this month to be over with so that i will be able to have back some sort of routine..
but i realized this morning..well i guess it finally got through my head this morning what it is that is bothering me so much..about the cutting and the conversation from last week...and its because i didnt want to acknowledge the truth..i dont want to acknowledge the truth..because then i just cant hide from it anymore...yes i know i cut..but as long as i can objectivify it ..as llong as i can make it work out and make sense in my head..then its ok...its because ive been told so many times that i need to stop, that i am just hurting myself, that i am crazy...thats what i think about the cutting..whether it is true or not didnt matter...thats what i was told..that is what i believed...i was bad for doing it..and so why stop? why bother stopping? i wanted to destory everything that is wrong with me..i wanted to die..and even though i know the chases of me dying from a cut are not as great as just flat out commiting suicide..the possibility is still there...i can be logical enough to not forget that part of it..but i was just sure cutting wasnt going to kill me because i could control it..i could manage it..and because i was doing it to myself then it didnt matter because i dont matter...it made sense to me... but talking to alice last week has messed all of that up and it is bothering me..because i no longer understand where i stand with cutting..i want it but dont want it..i can tell her that it makes me feel better and in the same breath tell her that its wrong and bad and not ok...but it cant be both can it? i dont want it to be both..i want a clear cut answer and and not being able to get one makes me more upset than i want to admit..and so once again after days of thinking about it and wondering about it..and asking others about it..just a couple ppl who also cut or have cut before about it..and i didnt like there answers either..but i asked all the same..because i was afraid to make up my own mind on the issue..i didnt know which was right,,is it helpful or isnt it..so this morning in one of the random lightbulb moments..i realized that the part of this whole thing that is keeping me stuck ..is my inability to decide where i stand on this...what do i think about it..not what does other ppl think about it and not what others have said to me about it..but what is my thoughts..my opinion..what do i think and feel about it is what is missing...because i keep working around that little issue..i want to know what everyone else thinks..i want to know how other people think..i wanted someone else to give me the answer..and it doesnt work like that...and so this morning i finally realized that this is the part of the whole thing that i wasnt getting...and after getting a little upset about it..i began to understand that i need to figure out where i stand on it..i need to understand where i stand and why...why is it that i keep doing it although i have been told over and over again that it is wrong..that i am crazy...why do i keep doing it if i believed that? if i let go of the need to destory myself because of what others have told me...i have been so caught up once again in what others have told me..that i just forget that i do have an opinion..that i do have my own thoughts and beliefs and all of that...but all of my stuff gets pushed aside because of what others tell me..what i have heard...because my need to fit in and be unnoticed overrides my sense of being able to understand myself in all of this...its not that i am blaming others for my behaviors or my thoughts...no i know they are my thoughts..but they are just fueled by others..fueled by what i have been told...by what i have come to believe from other people..and it is not what i think..or truly think...i would make a lovely parrot..i would...because i take up what i am told and repeat it over and over and over until it becomes my truth..i believe what everyone else tells me..i want to believe what everyone else tells me...and so i end up caught up in this never ending circle...and i just keep fighting my own thoughts..in favor of what i am being told..becuase the negative things just continue to add fuel to the self hate...because i can warp what i am told because it is negative..because it does fit into my frame of thinking..and it again makes it so much easier to push aside what i may want to believe..or push aside anything positive at all...because accepting the cutting and other forms of harm for what they are means that i am truly looking at them..and not hiding from them..not pretending anymore...i was so upset that alice was just managing to some how poke holes in my whole belief system...but how can she so easily poke holes in something that i have maintained for years? why is it so very easy for me to just allow what she says to get at me so very much?? and again the obvious thing that i am once again overlooking is that..maybe just maybe i want/need someone to point out the flaws in my thinking...maybe i want someone to be able to tell me that i am not being rational..that i am not being honest with myself..that i am not thinking on my own...and as much as i might hate it...that is what is happening...and it has happened a little bit before with my old supervisor..and my director i think..but i refused to believe them...i got angry whenever they told me anything that even tried to ring true in my head..if i was angry then it became their fault..they were the ones being mean..they were the ones making things difficult...they were wrong and not being supportive of me...but they were the ones seeing the truth of the situation..and they werent afraid to tell me that..and i didnt like it or want it...but lately more often than not alice is putting holes into my mixed up logic..and i am being pushed inadvertently towards looking at the truth for what it is...and the truth of the situation is... i like cutting...i liked cutting..i like being able to control how much i am hurting..i like knowing that i am destorying myself..because i can..because i refuse to let anyone else destroy me or hurt me again...but sometimes i still end up hurt..and confused..and not by my own hand...and as much as i might want someone else to make all the choices for me and give me all the answers i know and understand that it doesnt work like that...because yes it is my life..and my truth that i need to acknowledge and understand...and it makes me feel like i am admitting defeat in this by even writing that...that i have finally given up my hold on the lies that i wanted to desprately to believe...by acknowledging that i am not my beahviors..then i am actually real..i am a person... i can say no..i can do what i want...and that scares me a lot...because honestly i can understand how the cutting does make me feel better..and that i do it because of this..because i want to feel better..because i want to calm down and be able to think..because i want a break from myself and my thoughts.and cutting gives me that...cutting gives me a way out..without having to die..and i think that is part of the reason that i rely on it still..because i know that it helps..and that is what i want when things become overwhelming..i want peace..i want quiet...i want to escape myself and the only way i have found that works is the cutting..is doing the things that cause me more harm than good...because in my warped mind it is ok for me to do these things to myself..because i dont matter..because no one cares..because i want to just give up and die and be done with it already...but i have been cutting for long..throwing up for so long..and still havent managed to die..so what it is that i am hanging on for?? what is it that stops me from taking the next step into true nothingness?? what allows me to keep hanging on..by a thread at some points..but still holding on?? why?? and its not about me at all...its not about me staying alive for me..it is me staying alive for the children i have come to know and love..it is for my unborn niece or nephew that is coming next year...it is because i dont want others to be hurt and looking for answers by my actions...and so no matter how low i may be feeling..i wont take that next step...i wont die..and i get so close to the edge..repeatedly..i am walking that fine line between life and death..but never cross over..somehow i manage to come back to myself..somehow i manage to get myself together enough to see that i dont want to die..not really...i may want the escape but that i wont ..i wont get it that way...and so cutting it is..throwing up..messing up my meds.. on purpose..is how to manage that need to hurt..to forget..to completely empty my mind for just a little bit..because when it starts up again..i can think..i am calm..i am guilty..very very guilty..but i have the space for the guilt and the other thoughts without the overwhelming factor..because the pain that come with the cuts.keeps me present ..it keeps me from slipping back into the darkness that can consume me until i see no way out...and in the darkness i can hide from the truth..hide from what i am afraid of...but that is not living..im merely surviving ..for no purpose other than to keep struggling along and waiting still for someone to show me the way out of this mess...and again the issue is that no one can do it for me...and i keep thinking that...i keep thinking and trying to understand it..and the answer is right in front of me... it is my choice..my chance to make things different for myself...i am not a child..i have my own mind..i can think without help..i just have to learn to trust my thinking..trust my feelings for what they are..instead of waiting for the answers from someone else...i may think that i want the answers from someone else..but the truth is that i dont..i hate being told what to do..what to feel..what to think...i hate it more than anything else..but i allow myself to repeatedly wait for answers..like they are going to magically be written out for me...that if i wait long enough..that everything will be ok..that everything will be different...that i dont have to do the work..that showing up for therapy is enough...but its not enough..and that i do understand now...my thoughts consume to the point that i can not think straight ..and then i am irrational and make horrible choices...i understand that my mind is still working on the things i was told in the past..and that all of those things convinced me of a badness that only i can see...a badness that i can not even begin to understand or explain...it makes sense to me to say i am bad..but when asked to explain..i cant..i dont know how..because just saying that it is true for me is not an explaination..it is an excuse to not have to change my thinking..it is a way to be comfortable in my thoughts without anyone getting in the way or managing to stop me...it is a defense mechinism in the worst way...
so where in the world does this leave me??? i dont know...i do feel defeated..i feel tired...i feel like i have to completely start over..that my old thoughts are still continuing to get in the way of the things i am learning and beginning to understand now..and the two do not work together at all...both cant be in my head..theres not room for both...for now i think things are at a stand still..waiting for me to come to a decision about which way it is that i am going to go...i have been stuck for a long long time i think...i want to go backwards but i cant..i want to go forward but im afraid..and so i stay stuck just standing in the middle of both ways...not doing enough to completely go backwards..but not enough to move forward either..and maybe that is what alice is seeing..maybe that is what kathy saw..but that i didnt see...i saw the failures..the struggles.the uncertainty..and i wasnt willing to give myself an inch in either direction..but as soon as i would start going forward..i would do something to send the fear into overdrive and then i would go backwards again...i keep doing the 3 steps forward and 3 steps back..but never doing enough to actually chose a way to go and keep going... and so i stay in this place and wait for something..wait for something to happen..wait for someone to give me an answer..and the problem with that is..i am waiting for myself..that alice and linda and courtney and kathy and jessica and my small group of online people who i can come to care about and depend on are there..that they are trying to offer a support that i am refusing because they just wont give me an answer that i want..because they wont give me a definite way to go...but i have been looking in the wrong place..once again i realize i am looking in the wrong place for answers...i wanted someone outside of me to make a choice for me...i wanted someone to take the responsibility for me..to tell me what to do...the responsibility is mine isnt ? the choice is mine..and it always has been...but i ignored it..i ignored what everyone has been telling me..ignoring what others have tried repeatedly to explain to me in the past year..and i didnt want to see it..i didnt want to hear it..i thought i was alone..that everyone has been just waiting for me to make a choice ..to go either way..and instead of seeing it..i became angry because no one was doing what i wanted them to do...i understand now i think..that it is the part of all of this that is holding me back..fear of acknowlegding what i am afraid of..afraid to acknowledge the truth..and by keeping myself in one place..i was not allowing myself to go anywhere..and just getting frustrated for not being able to go either way...and it was no one elses fault..it was my inability to make a choice..being afraid of the unknown..being afraid to repeat the same things over and over annd over...being afraid of convincing myself that there is something better than death..something more than just waiting on the sidelines to die...i can see it..in my head..just where it is that i am standing...waiting..hoping..expecting someone else to save me from myself...and everyone else surrounds me..waiting for me..they are not making the choice for me..and where i thought i could outlast everyone else in this waiting game..i do believe i had it wrong...they can and are willing to out wait me...they are willing to wait for me to come to a decision...they refuse to give me the out i am looking for..and my misguided anger only delays the outcome from happening...with the anger i cant make a choice...with the depression i cant make a choice..its not the pain, the fear, the confusion..it is me..holding myself in one place..because i am afraid..and that is the whole entire thing in a nutshell i think...that is the part of all of this that i was missing and unable to see....its not the old picture that i see anymore...it is not me standing on a cliff looking over..trying to decide if i want to jump or go backwards...it is not me in a locked room holding a key i didnt know i had watching the world go on without me...no it has changed...one long empty road with me and the ppl who support me just standing there...waiting...im waiting for them and they in turn are waiting for me..i had it backwards..very very backwards..i was looking at it the wrong way...where i felt i had no choices..i did..where i felt i was alone..i wasnt...and where i was afraid..there was support....but i have to ask for it..i know that i need to acknowledge all of it..and accept where i am at inorder to move on...whatever way it will be i have to move on..either to go forward or go backwards..there is a choice to make..and i am waiting for it...i want an answer without understanding the truth of any of it..i wanted a way to do it without having to feel the truth..wthout having to feel all of the hurt..the guilt.. the shame..i havent been willing to see that my behaviors are behaviors..that they are a reaction to something else...they are a reaction to something that i am afraid to face..something that i need to make go away..something that i need to forget...i want to forget...but i cant...like i have been told.my past is just that..in the past..i cant change it..i cant go back and make it better..i cant change anything about it...but facing it..dealing with it..and accepting it for what it was well is..that i can do..and i have avoided it for a very very long time..i have done everything i can to make it go away..to forget..to pretend...and now that there are openings forming in my wall of protection..i dont like the vulnerable feelings..i dont like feeling exposed...i dont like hearing myself say what i am thinking..feeling..seeing...but at the same time i get so annoyed when other ppl stay in the same place..repeat the same things...do the same things..and i can see what they are missing..i can see where the flaws are for them...while at the same time i am doing the exact same thing..and of course that makes me remember that the things that annoy me about someone else..are prolly the things that i am ignorning about myself..and again..all those times that i have refused to face the truth..refused to acknowledge...its all been right there..waiting for me to see...and it has been a long long wait...it has been a long hard road..and where my anger was displaced and directed at all the wrong ppl..i understand now that i was just trying to keep protecting myself..that all of the blame and guilt and shame are me trying to protect myself from the truth...i have made mistakes..mistakes that i need to own up too...i have hurts that i need to let heal or they will continue to haunt me...forever they will haunt me..and im tired of it..im tired of hiding..tired of being alone with myself and hating all that i am because of it..tired of hating myself for things i had no control over...tired of having to convince myself that that everything is wrong..that there is no happiness left for me... why do i do it to myself?
again i dont know where that leaves me ..right this minute...i still dont know which way i will go..but i do know that to move either way..i need to come to grips with where i am today...even if it is only to say and understand that i am confused as all heck...and unsure of things...that is where i am at..
i am a cutter, i am hurting, i am depressed, i am angry, i am sad, dejected, lost, broken, afraid confused..very very confused..and for this minute that is where i am at...and i need to accept that..and i need to work on understanding that these things do not make me less than a person..the same allowances that i give others i need to give myself..the same chances and choices i give others.. i need to give myself...
maybe there no answers to why the past is in the way it was..maybe that by looking for the why behind everything i was just allowing it to be worse..and couldnt let it go...i wanted answers...i want answers...i wanted to know why..i wanted to know what i had done wrong..i was on this road of needing to obtain perfection to be loved and wanted and needed..by others of course...but what in the world is it that i want for myself..what do i want from myself?? i think that when i am able to answer that question in an honest way..i will have decided on which way to move...at that moment my decision will have been made...
thats what i think anyway..
and im all thought out for now..the pressure is leaking out of me..the worry and fear are lessening...and i am thinking a little bit clearer...i can see yesterday for what it was..a day of hurting and confusion..and so yes i cut...but today is another day..today is not yesterday and it is not tomorrow...i have today to work through.to live through..and that is all there is too it really...that is really all there is...
"there is no strength where there is no struggle"
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