t homework

i am a little nervous writing this ...since it is specfically about what we talked about in therapy..and feelings and thoughts and emotions and all of that..and well thats all the stuff i work so hard to avoid...but i am noticing more of the little things..like how much i ignore what goes on around me..i did it today with a client..we were walking out of the hospital through the waiting room..and there were no less than maybe 5 ppl sitting in there..and i was so focused on the door ..that is all i say..nothing else mattered..but my client actually speaks you know..and it was when she said something that i realized i was ignoring everything...its confusing..

so i will try to streamline this a bit more and actually try to follow the little guide thingy...but im going to have to do it in parts..all at once would overwhelm me..shoot thinking about it overwhelms me and i havent even started yet..and yes im avoiding big time ...ok

Things/Areas I criticize myself about/for...
I just want to say this is so stupid because i just want to say everything..but no i would never be allowed to get away with that..so i have to break it down..and that is what i think makes me feel so nervous about this..like identifying and acknowledging that i do criticize myself rather harshly for just about everything..and having to break it down makes me feel stupid ..because i know im doing it and i know i need to stop doing it..but i cant help myself..
so what are they..my criticisms..
-how i look
-being overweight
-having to take meds to manage my moods
-not being organized or neat
-not standing up for myself
-becoming easily embarassed about topics that make me uncomfortable
- lack of eye contact
- not doing more with my life
-not having a family
-feeling unwanted/worthless
-lack of self control
-all manners of self harm (cutting, burning, b/p, messing with my meds, taking meds that arent mine)
-not being good enough
wasting so much time doing nothing
-becoming easily overwhlemed and shutting down
-being afraid of people
-being afraid of males
-feeling that i am not able to manage a real relationship
-being uncomfortable with being touched
-not being happy
-feeling depressed almost all the time
-constantly failing at things - feeling like im failing at things
-scars
-not fitting in
-being alone
-needing help ( therapy and meds and stuff)
-making poor choices
-not being able to express myself verbally
-not managing money well
-poor impulse control
-putting others needs before mine
-feeling the need to hide alot of the time
-not being able to deal with myself and my thoughts safely
- not feeling loved / wanted / important
- negative thoughts on a consistent basis

and i need to stop..because the need to write this down..is fighting with my need to attack myself for everything that i am writing down..it really is a no win situation..and if i dont stop..i will end up trapping myself in my thoughts ..and so i am trying to remind myself that there is a purpose to this and that i am not just doing it to be mean..remind myself that i am ok..and that this is ok to have written...so deep breaths and time to focus on something else...