i am upset..there ive said it..and its not even upset..whats a words that bigger than just upset? i dont think im angry cas thats a huge thing..ive just managed to get myself so worked up that i cant calm down and i cant get myself to think in a straight line and im just getting more confused and more upset because i am confused and mad at alice for making me confused and poking a bagillion holes in my safety bubble..no i take it back i am very angry and i dont like it at all..because then i am going back and forth between wanting to just yell or throw something or wanting to destroy something or cry or sleep...and even now i am fighting the urge to go to sleep just cas..i get it in my head and because im so darn passive agressive its like fine im doing this on purpose but its only because someone said something to me about it...i know my going to sleep or not going to sleep is not gong to affect alice in any way at all..none..but still in my head its like i want to deny that i have anything wrong and just block all of it out and lay down and go to sleep for the rest of the day..and i cant do that either..and it makes me mad that i want to escape so badly..
i cant even figure out what it is that has me feeling so mad..well what has me staying mad..i keep trying to think about therapy today and the problem with that is that i end up so overwhelemed that i start wanting to attack myself because its like ok why cant i be quiet and shut up sometimes...i almost want to cut but not quite..if i can manage to write this and am still feeling edgy then i will try the music thingy for a little while and try to calm down..because i know logically that alice didnt do anything..and its just that i cant handle what we talked about ato process it and so instead ive just gotten angry and now i dont know a darn thing to do with the anger..and im in one of those i want everyone on my side type modes and its like well fine im not doing that either because again that darn subject came up in therapy..im not sure if it was just the conversation that is upsetting..the fact that i sat there and actually told her what i was thinking..or that she was able to point out so much stuff that i just wasnt seeing at all..and my whole sense of thinking is the most warped thing ive ever encountered and i dont know how it is a manage to get anything down at all with all my screwedup thinking going on..how can it make sense to me until i have someone repeating it back to me..ugh..
i really wonder what is wrong with me..and i wonder how i manage to be around anyone at all without sounding like ive just completely lost my mind..maybe that is what is upsetting me..i dont know..i cant figure it out and thats upsetting me too and ifs all so mixed up and because i have gotten myself so worked up im not in a place to process what was talked about because i cant even get past the idea that i am completely screwed up and no amount of help is going to fix me..and that is more depressing than anything else ..and that is what is driving the need to hide and have things completely quiet and just shut down until i can think clearly again.. i dont want to cut..im feeling physically sick right this minute but i dont want to cut..to angry to even calm down enough to think about that one..besides i know better than to cut when angry..that just makes a huge mess..im not even sure there was a point to this..there was something i wanted to get out but now i dont remember..
i am fighting with myself hard on this one..and if i stop and just think for a minute i know that the whole cutting conversation is what caused a lot of my anger because i cant figure out which side of it is true...the whole cutting thing started as a secret..something to keep hidden completely..but no some things dont stay hidden forever..and i got away with it for a long time before mommy figured something was wrong..and then it was all about how crazy i was and how i needed to be in the hospital and that she was going to pull me out of college..and all of this stuff but esstentionaly the message was cutting is bad..cutting is shameful..and i hated it and wanted it all at the same time..so slowly more ppl figured it out..not that i was that great at hiding it when confronted..but yeah..my sad inability to lie convincingly stinks at times...and so again the message was stop..dont do it..why are you doing it..the hospital thing still comes up occansionally..and im not dumb enough to land in the hospital..i refuse to go anyway..but still more often than not..the cutting wasnt accepted..not by me..not by anyone .. until i got to my job that i have now..and i ended up being in a group of ppl where it was understood a little better..but still not completely accepted..i mean no one is going to tell me that it is ok to do..but i got there concern and worry more than anything else..and it was there concerned that bothered me..i didnt want it..and i didnt need it at all..and i wondered why they would be concerned about me anyway..i knew what i was doing..i wasnt going to die..so i saw no reason at all for there concern..and no matter how much i said i was fine..they still expressed there own concerns..and for me that is still very confusing..like we talked about today..i can rationalize the cutting until there is nothing wrong with it at all..and then im surprised when few people agree with my line of thinking..and its not fair..i could understand if i was drinking or doing drugs..ok those are dangerous..i do not see cutting as being that dangerous or even worth worrying about..if i havent managed to accidently kill myself yet and its been almost 15 freakin years..i think ive got it under control..im not even sure why it is important to stop at times..why take away something that works and makes me feel better..but again its the logic piece that i am leaving out..and its not the adults that concern me..its the children who want to know what happened..the ones who ask the questions about my arms..its the kids who show the complete and utter true concern..and i can feel it with them and i dont want them to be sad or know that i am hurting myself...it has taken years for me to even get to the point of saying that i am hurting myself..and not just calling it cutting..saying im hurting myself makes me sad..or well it is right this minute..but eventually i get around to remembering that i dont care about myself at all..i dont want to be ok..and ive been trying to die for so long that it doesnt even bother me anymore..and there is a big big problem with that...and that is why i think i end up looking to other ppl to gauge my own self worth..thats why i worry so much about making someone mad at me for something ive done or not done..thats what drives me to go back and forth home hoping that each time something is going to be different and something is going to be better..and i will be important and wanted..but no..it doesnt happen like that and all ive done essentially is set myself up to be hurt repeatedly in the name of so called love..and so i guess on some very very low level it would make sense that my thinking is quite disturbed..but like everything else..i can work around my thinking..i can seperate how i feel about myself out from how i feel about other ppl ..and so i am able to work with others..and work with my clients..and be this nice, pleasant, calm person to be around..it doesnt really matter if i am thinking a mile a minute about every possible thing that is wrong..as long as no one else can be affected by my thoughts then i am ok..that is how i stay safe...i keep my craziness under tight control..and am very careful about staying away from people when i am not able to stay in control..because i know how to shut down in the middle of an argument and become this compliant person who can not think at all..because i can acccept another persons sriticism about me better than i can accept their praise..i wonder why it is that everyone doesnt hate me and cant see how awful i am..i wonder why no one else can see how much it is that i should already be dead..but im not..and because of that i do consider myself a failure..the one and only thing i ever truly wanted and i was never strong enough to do it..i couldnt..i cant..i may skirt the edges of it...walk that fine line between life and death and is there to tell ? who wants to listen to me? that is not how it works..i listen to everyone else..i can be supportive to everyone else..i can be what i need to be for everyone else..and that stops me from having to think or be completely engaged in anything concerning myself...and the part of all of it from today that i think i kept skipping over..is that i never actually said that i consider myself to unimportant..i think i was thinking it and kept thinking it but i did not say it out loud..because i dont want to hear what it is that i am good at or how my clients like me..i dont care about that..it doesnt matter all that much to me..if i was ignored by everyone and never had to talk again for the rest of my life, would i do it?? prolly not..as much as i might want too i dont think i would..i need that approval from others ..i need it more than i care to admit..and i have to be told repeatedly that i am good and that there are people who love me and that i do matter..over and over and over i need to hear it and that is prolly what adds fuel to my attachments that are so out of balance..i want everything but cant give as much..i need everything from them and they dont get anything at all from me..i am broken...flawed in some major way..because none of this makes sense at all..but it all came pouring out of my head as i calmed down..but again after the anger comes the major feelings of depression...im not sad..im worthless..nothing..etc .. i get to that place where i do care..and then i act without thinking because nothing matters anymore..i dont matter and it makes no sense to me when someone tries to tell me different ..why should it make a difference when i have mommy to remind me over and over that i am not good enough..and if that is what she thinks ..then what am i supposed to believe..
cutting was my way to show that i could deal with anything anyone could throw at me..i could handle it and nothing at all could hurt me anymore than i was already hurting myself..it was supposed to stay that way i think..but it changed at some point and became a way to escape .a way to find complete peace for just a little while from all the chaos that is in my head..and i wanted it..i needed it..i was ok with what i was doing and dared anybody to tell me differently..but at the same time i couldnt shake the same..i couldnt help but wonder what was wrong with me..but i couldnt say what was wrong..i still have a lot of trouble saying what is wrong..but if i cut..i know then i will have someones undivided attention for a little while..and that is the one time i really dont want it at all..cutting is still one of the easiest ways to say that something is wrong..and that i need help figuring out what it is...cutting and hiding it protects me to some extent..but ive been in and out of therapy enough to know that if i am hiding it..then it will get worse..a lot worse before i feel that i am able to convince myself to tell someone what is wrong...it does confuse me as to why i can talk to alice and not sit in silence like i have done so so many times before..i was positive i could outwait any therapist who tried to get anything out of me..i wouldnt talk..i didnt lie but i left a lot out..hour long sessions with less than 15mins of talking from me.and i was proud of myself..i refused to crack for anything or anyone..and for as much as i refused the hospital when i was wondering around completely and utterly suicidal is beyond me..but no one figured it out..and i wasnt going to tell them...its not as consuming now...it takes less time f or me to come out of my i want to die phases than it did before...im still managing to perfect the art of shutting down when i dont want to deal with anything..but sleep is better than cutting..if i just sleep then i cant do anything bad..but now i sleep so much that im losing track of when im supposed to be awake..i function on 3 or 4 hour time frames before i start shutting down again..ever day..it doesnt really make a different any more...i know i can sleep..and if im sleeping then i am safe..id rather sleep and shut down than cut or do anything else im able to convince myself to do...i used to think it was completely unfair that everyone was trying to take away cutting..and the more they tried the more i resisted..and refused to do what anyone else wanted...again ive gotten past that pretty much and can go for quite a while without cutting...i dont think ive ever made it more than 6 months...this last time was a little over 4 months..before giving in and looking for an automatic escape..i was tired i think..just tired of everything and overwhelemed with everything..i just wanted a little break at the time..
im not angry anymore..im just sad..and dont want to think anymore.
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