12-25-2012
Merry Christmas…It is Christmas but I feel that I am lacking
the merry part. Maybe it is just that it
is so early and im kinda just by myself for now. Its like mommy was rushing me to get
home..and then neither henry or wayne or nia was really here..Henry went out
with friends and came back..but its like goodness its Christmas eve. What do
you think im supposed to be doing?? Is
it not enough that I am here? But when I
felt my anxiety rising ..i went ahead and took the clonazapan..i hadn’t taken
any that morning because I knew I would be driving..and that meds makes me drop
off to sleep without even realizing im doing it…so I took it last night..and
just did what I needed to do…this is one of those times where its like im
29..im no longer a child..why am I spending time at home? I mean given it was Christmas eve..but its
like everyone else had plans and im just kinda here..and that’s the way it
always is..im just here and everyone else is moving around me..and I am noticed
when they need something..i don’t know..not trying to be a downer..just this is
how it is…and so I have a couple hours to dig up some happiness or something…to
deal with being around family and then dinner later at my aunts house..which is
a yearly thing..but because of the ages of everyone its like well theres me and
my siblings..who are kinda the same age..then there are the much younger kids
like 8. 10. And 3..and then its maybe one or two teens and then its just
adults…what in the heck are we supposed to do?? Its boring..and so yeah I spend
most of the night just hanging with nia and rob until it is time to leave..or
until we have been there long enough that we can leave peacefully without and
argument…just to come home and do what? So I plan to bring my kindle with me…so
that I can get online a little bit while there..and prolly make phone calls
with my phone will work to kinda wish ppl a merry Christmas…and then tomorrow
ill be at dees for a few hours taking down her Christmas stuff for some extra
money..and then finally heading up to nias and the part of vacation that I am
actually looking forward too…even if it does mean major amounts of driving …I
am looking forward to it..just to be in a place where I am comfortable and at
ease and not afraid…at home I am still afraid..still worried…at home I feel the
need to make sure I have myself under control at all times..i have to know
where everyone is..i have to be quiet and listen..and yes I know this is the
hyper vigilance kicking in..but it is very tiring..i cant relax because I am
always waiting for something to happen..waiting for something to mess up or to
get into trouble…I try to avoid mommy as much as I can..and im trying very hard
this time ..well during this trip to remind myself to be calm..that she is doing
what she does but I don’t have to let it affect me..i can let it go without
internalizing it..im having enough issues with my mood..i don’t need to add
anyone elses issues into it… and I miss taji and bounce..it is so weird being
able to put something down and know that when I come back it will still be
there…there is no little cats running over me or running around the house..but
I don’t have my sleeping buddies..i don’t have the little bits of comfort that
they provide..i cant pet them or play with them or anything..and I miss
them…they are such a part of me..and this is the longest I will have left
them..since I wont be going back home until after the 1st…well ill
be home sometime on the 2nd..or super crazy early on the 3rd..but
yeah..a long time…and I just miss them. .
that’s all.
Im trying to remember the safety of being with Kathy the
other night..and how she told me that it was ok when I was scared..and reminded
me to relax when I was anxious..and just being with her for a little
while..didnt have to talk at all..just was with her..and that is what I
want..she told me I was beautiful..and again she told me that I have nothing to
be ashamed off..and in my mind I want her to keep me so very badly that it
hurts..i want to get from her what I never got as a
child..love..acceptance..want..and Kathy gives it to me in small doses..or else
I will go over board and then she will cut me off at the pass ..and I hate
it..but I am beginning to understand it…and so all that I am wanting from
her..i have to learn to give to myself..but until I do…ill take what Kathy
gives..i will..
But all the same..my little vision..my long road and being
stuck in the middle?? I think I am beginning to make steps..but foor now I
don’t want to say yet which direction im going because I feel I will jinx
myself…and it is very hard to walk away from what I am comfortable with..from
where I found safety and silence..but I seem to forget that my longing to have
that is mixed up with the reality of what that is..the reality of the pain, fear,
hurt, guilt, shame..that is what is behind me..and I look at it and want it
only because it is what I know..it is where I am comfortable..but maybe being
so comfortable is what is holding me in place…being afraid to leave all of that
behind me..but a choice still has to be made..and they are all just waiting for
me to make it.
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