all thought out...kinda

im beginning to freak out again and so i am going to try to write down my thoughts before they become overwhelming ...

i talked to someone yeseterday in regards to the baby that is possibly being placed for adoption...the baby that i have a good good chance of getting...of adopting..but at the same time i am terrified..but there is a part of me that knows without a doubt that it is my decision in the end..that i can ask everybody under the sun what they think about the idea and what they feel about it..but again ..in the end it is still my choice...i am the one who will be caring for the baby..i am the one who will be with the baby for the rest of her life..i will raise her and care for her and love her..probably more than i love myself..

but i am learning that there is a lot of steps in adoption..not so much the steps even..but the cost..that is my biggest concern right now..and i know that i can do it..and am willing to do it..but im so afraid i will mess up ..that i will turn out to be just like my mom..that i will be harsh and mean and hurt my child..im afraid i wont be a good mother..im afraid i will mess up somehow...and that scares me...a lot..

and so in the past couple weeks i have spent a lot of time researching and looking up the adoption laws and how it is actually going to work and what i need to do..and what i need to  happen and all of that..and i realize that there are some things i am going to have to do before i am able to actually complete the adoption process...and well the biggest thing is of course moving into a bigger apartment..so that the baby will have a room...and i flat out refuse to give up my cats ..i cant do it..so yes  i will need a bigger place..so that there will be a specific no cat area..and well yeah that will be the babies room and bathroom..(im hoping to get into a two bedroom/two bathroom) ..but i know for a fact that will have to happen before i can finish the adoption process...which means a lot of different things..for a private adoption we have to go through a lawyer..and that will involve a lot of money and a homestudy..and medical records and what not...which i can understand..i dont like it but i can understand it...now the issue is that yes right now i may be a little short on space..but i have a steady job..a steady income..that i can make it work until i am able to move...whatever i have to do you know..

the process has sort of begun at this point..but nothing will be final untli after the new year and i get to talk to the babys mother and figure out what it is that we need to talk about and discuss..and everything..but with the thought of a baby possibly coming into my life in a short amount of time yes i am beginning to worry..i dont know what i need..i keep going back and forth between what it is that i am going to need and what is it that i am going to have to buy..and when..and then all of the baby formula..clothes..furnitiure..all of it..it is overwhelming..not to mention i will most likely have to find a parenting class to get into .. just to ease some of my fears...i have to plan on  who i will have to help me..who ill be able to call to babysit, to help when i need a break..to just be a support...and again money for said babysitter..i dont think i would do daycare at this point..i dont want to do that..i would rather have a babysitter..someone i know and trust..

but of course there is the oh so annoying tricky part...i may have the mothers consent to have the baby and to raise the baby..but i know that the adoption will not happen right when the baby is born..in my research i have learned that it will take at least 6 months or more for the adoption to become final..and again that is something that i am ok with and trying to prepare myself for...and i have thought and thought about how to do this and how to afford it and how to make it work...and in all of my stressing and worrying and freaking out i think i finally have possibly figured out an answer...the child will of course live with me..but i will wait to begin the adoption process...for possibly 6 months to a year..technically how ever long it is going to take to get another apartment because that is the part that is lacking right now..the biggest issue...and so the babys mother will most likely still be involved in the babies life..for a while..i mean not a lot but still a part of it..and i am ok with that..because i still have some major issues to work through pertaining to adoption and i would never keep that a secret from my child..i would never make her scared or fear that she is not wanted..that has affected me for a very very long time..it still affects me..-sigh- but the piece that involves the mother is the part that i cant do now on my own..and that is getting assistance for the baby..if nothing else wic and medicaid..neither of which i would be able to do on my own until the child was legally mine..and that means that i will have to ask the mother and explain what it is that the baby will need..i cant have the baby and know that she will not have insurance..i mean i have managed without insurance..with a heck of a lot of help and being able to go to the clinic..but for the baby and having to have shots and go to many appointments..i dont want the baby to suffer just because i dont have insurance..but then just thinking about it like that makes me feel bad..because its like im using the system for my own purposes and just being able to work around the obstacles that i will be facing..and again i know that it is in the best interest of the child and that in every other way i will be able to care for her..but i do feel that i am lacking because i dont have insurance you know...

but that is what i am looking at...i cant not figure out how else to do this and make it work you know..i mean i have funds but not enough to care for two ppl plus lawyer fees..i wish money grew on trees but it doesnt and so i am working hard to be realistic about this...and yes i do think the first year will be the hardest..but with help i think i can do it..even if that means pushing the actual adoption out a little bit... i wonder am i being realistic or am i just fooling myself?? there feels like there is so much to do and just not enough time to do it in..im afraid to get to hopeful and be told in the end that the baby is not going to be up for adoption..i havent told anyone except for nia and mommy..and well crap mommy said ok..didnt fight me on it at all..didnt argue or ask me what in the hell i was thinking..no she said ok and we will see..and i didnt know how to respond really..its confusing..mommy sometimes can be very confusing...

but that is where all of this is at..im not trying to make poor choices..and of course i want to protect the baby...and if that means having more help than i want for a while..then so be it... i will manage...