i dont know what to say..i dont ..i know i need to write..to get the
thoughts out of my head but at the same time i feel i am shutting down
and just trying to get through..i realize that i want to go home..that i
have been gone for to long..a few days is ok..a full week and a half is
not ok..i want to go home
and all the thoughts and feelings from christmas have settled and
grown...being forced to be near someone where most of the shaming things
happened..and not wanting to face it..not wanting to think about
it...realizing that again my sister is getting all the glory and
attention i guess..and i am jealous..so very jealous and i hate that..i
just feel left out..like ill never fit in no matter what i do...even
being here at my friends house..its my sister and her husband who are
being social and having a good time and i am just watching from the side
lines..unable to really include myself because it is to much..becuase i
am so used to the silence in my house that being around so many ppl..at
once..is overwhelming me..and i couldnt deal yesterday..i was fine when
it was just me and my friend..but then everyone else in the house woke
up and i started shutting down..pulling in..needing to be alone and
needing to find a quiet place..and i tried explaining to my sister but i
dont think i did a good job with it..r friend is more understanding
about my need to just kinda seperate and regroup at times..but its like
im supposed to be having fun and instead i cant even manage to be around
anyone..i cant be social or talk for a long amount of time because it
is just to much to deal with..and im frustrated in myself because i want
so much to be included and a part of something..and it is me that is
pulling away..me wanting to hide..me me me
so i feel like a failure..a failure at life for not being able to deal
with even the smallest thing..took some of the stronger anxiety meds
yesterday that well im not supposed to have..but it calmed me down..and
ill most likely be taking another one today because of going to new
orleans and knowing it will be crowded and full of people and as much as
i want to go and look and see..im afraid...and scared...i want the
safety of my home back..i want my cats..i want my quiet..i feel that
this was just to much all at once..going from place to place to
place..and being around other people constantly.without being able to
really get away and have quiet without it being bed time ... i dont
know..just struggling a bit and the sadness is winnnig out..and i just
feel that i am messing up things for everyone else like my sister and
her husband and my friend..i am failing at life..
and im sorry
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