gosh..my head is filled with ideas and thoughts and needs and wants for the new year...i am working hard to undersand what may be happening and the more i think about things the more i am questioning my decision to adopt..and not so much the decision but just having the resources to care for the baby you know...i know i would make whatever changes i needed to make..and i know i would love and care for the baby unconditionally...my worries are more on a personal basis..like am i capable of having and raising a child as a single parent..can i care for her and love her and stay stable in the process..i just wonder if i would be a good parent..and i guess that is the bottom line..wondering if i am going to be a good parent...and i know nothing is set as of right this minute..and i realize that even though i am anxiously awaiting a concerte answer on things...i also know that if it does not work out..then i will not be upset...i will continue to do the things that i need to do in order to have the space and resources to have a child...and i know that it will work out when the time is right...so once again i am being realistic and looking at all of the possibilities...what may or may not happen. what will be able to happen..what i can logically allow you know...so i can taking a few steps backwards and realizing that there are some things i need to have changed and done for a child to enter my life..and so my plans may change just a little bit...who knows...but i am hopeful that at the right time it will work out..and i realize that the thoughts do not make me feel sad at all...
my plans are changing a bit ..like realizing what is and isnt possible...what may or may not happen..and just being ok with it. worrying and stressing will get me no where..and i am realizing that a little bit more these days.
as my priorities change..i know that things will be different soon...much much different..
and my concerns and plans are suddenly very attached to tax season..as i think this year i will be able to get some money back..vs last year when i owed money! essh..that sucked big time...but this year..well next year. i will be making much better choices! paying off old old bills that are just hanging on my credit report..and handling my massive therapy bill...moving..and just being current with things..that is what i want to do...i want to start improving my life..finding happiness and security in my life...that is what i want...and i am suddenly so very very interested in making these changes to better myself you know...and i want to move into a bigger apartment. I really want to do that. i want to stay in the same place..but i want to just begin to see the world as a bigger, happier experience...and with taxes..maybe i will be able to put money asisde so that i will be able to go and stay with nia for a couple weeks you know...to help her when the baby comes next year..if i know i am planning for that..then i know i will be ok with staying in richmond till then lol..after the holidays..no traveling for a while..it is saving and planning and preparing :)..that is the plan!
No comments:
Post a Comment