but i keep seeing all the resolutions and goals and hopes and what not for the new year and it makes me wonder about what it is that i want to even take out of this year? what have i learned? what have i experienced? what do i want to remember?? and why ?
it would be so so so easy to just focus on all the negatives..all the days where i just gave up and stayed in bed because i couldnt deal or couldnt manage to get out of bed..all the days of hurting and feeling sad, hopeless, useless...but those are the days and times that just run together..they become one big blur and all i can feel is the hurt...
but that is not what i want to remember about 2012...i think i can honestly say that 2012 has been a year of self reflection...in a major way..i have grown..i have learned..i want to be able to remember the happy times..the laughter and smiles with my clients, traveling with yvonne, heck ill even take tasting the nasty dirt juice as a positive thing! i want to remember the hugs..the care and support i got from friends and family..i learned who my friends are .. i want to remember coming down to New Orleans..I want to remember all the damn hard work ive done in therapy..i want to remember that there is good in the world and that things are not always just black and white...i want to remember that i am able to give myself a chance..im learning to accept where i am at and make changes about the past ... im learning that this is now and not the past..its not the future..it is now..and that worrying will not make time move any faster at all...i want to remember the kids i have met and worked with this year..not the ones that i have lost..i want to remember what happened that caused me...forced me to grow in ways that i never thought possible..I have stepped outside of my comfort zone on more than one occasion..i wore a bathing suit..i wore a sleeveless dress..i have asked for help..again and again and again..and the surprising thing is that..when i ask and am honest..i find that there are people there willing to help and support and love me..as i am..that is what i want to remember..
yes there were times this year when the hurt felt like it was just too much to handle and that left me wondering why and what was the point..but i am still year...years later i am still here..and about to enter into another new year..and it is not about making a new start..or having a clean slate..it is about just continuing to grow and learn and accept myself..to keep moving forward instead of backwards..to continue to learn and grow and find peace and happiness within myself...
i am me and that is all i can be..the new year will not change that..the new year will how ever make me understand that more, and be stronger for it. I will continue to find my voice and speak out loud..
so I am already to say goodbye to 2012...and I am ready and willing to welcome in 2013 with an open heart and open mind.
Peace and Love going into the new year
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