today has been an interesting day. i saw alice this morning and i told her about how things were last week and how i had been so so upset about what we talked about and that i was mad at her..and she said thank you! talk about being shocked...i guess i expected her to be upset, to yell at me..to tell me it wasnt ok..but no it was the exact opposite..but i told her all of it..and we talked and i left her both of the incredibly long things that i wrote...and it was hard..but also it was a load off my mind..to just be able to tell her what happened..and how i felt..and being so upset and just not knowing what to do with it...and so i kinda forgot that in what i wrote i acknowledged to the cutting over the weekend..and i am just going to have to let that go..we will talk about it when i see her again..im pretty sure... but it was a long long conversation..and im trying hard to just look at it and see it for what it is..that she is working to help me and help me figure out the right direction to go towards..but she is not going to give me the answers...oh no..the answers i have to come up with myself..and so i told her how i saw her in all of this..and i really do think that at some point..i wont be in therapy anymore...and that is scary but at the same time that is what i want..i want to be able to think clearly and be able to let things go..and be able to talk about how i am feeling without gettting caught up and overwhelmed with it..without wanting to act on and push away the thoughts and feelings...when i am there..then i think i will know that i am able to deal with life on my own...or well without the weekly help..but for now..i think i need the consistency and being able to just work on talking and getting comfortable with myself and talking..and well eye contact..and gaining more confidence..i honestly told alice about the weekend and what i wrote on sunday and well she will most likely read all of what i gave her..which is very scary too..but i want her to know..i think i need for her to know..
it is so different ...allowing some of the good things in...allowing myself to begin to think about things differently..being able to begin to accept where i am at and who i am..something i never thought i would be able to do..and i am not thinking about it! things have changed so so so much in the past year..my goodness things have changed...maybe they really truly are changing for the better.
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