regrouping ... need to think

ok deep breath...

right now i know i am bordering on being very unstable emotionally/mentally... im having a hard time managing..im having a hard time working...im hurting myself in a lot of different ways on purpose..and really it feels like i am back to just being in survival mode..thats all i can manage..and im worriied that it will get worse before it gets better..i really am..although a repeat of yesterday will not be happening any time soon...i felt awful..and out of it.and not able to concentrate at all ..it sucked..and i couldnt sleep last night at all..it was one of the i think im sleeping but im not completely sure...

but right now there is so much going on in my mind..and maybe it is just that it is th end of the year and i am looking at what ive done or not done..and worrying about what i should be doing...and again i am letting others fill my head with so many different things and questioning my actions and all of that...so many issues..money, moving, jobs, babies..so much going on..and just not enough time and energy to even begin to tackle any of it..and so i realize that i need to back off of some things and work on one thing at a time..oh yeah..add in therapy and doc appts too..and yeah my schedule is full...essh and it is becoming overwhelming ..and so i need to back off of some things and i need to be okay with that..

i got my lease renewal letter yesterday and i really truly thought that i was going to end up with them not wanting to renew my lease since i am late half the time paying it..but no i got the renewal letter yesterday and that made me realize that i kinda dont want to move...i mean i have been looking at houses and whatnot for rent and stuff but alot are in areas that i am not comfortable in...but i am comfortable with where i am at now..and i am going to wait a little bit longer before moving anywhere...at least another year..  right now i want to focus on my current job and my current notes and therapy..that needs to be my focus right now..because that is what is going to allow me to keep working..i have found a couple jobs that i do want to apply for...but at the same time i am still holding out for working with kathy again...so im not looking hard for a job..but the two i do want to apply for comes with full benefits..and that is what i need right now..more than anything else..i need benefits..

and so regardless of what everyone else is wanting me to do and telling me to do..i need to slow down and think through some things..im pushing myself at the wrong time..and i know that if i keep pushing nothing good will come of it.because i will just become more depressed and not able to manage and shut down..and right now the whole bordering on shutting down thing is hard hard to do...

so yes i have to make plans..yes i cant stay where i am at forever...yes i will move on and all of that..but for now i need stability more than anything else..right now im not strong enough to face the unknown..im not strong enough to do that..not right now...and so yes my focus needs to change just a bit...i need to find stability again..because i am lost without it..