conquering fears....

i have been thinking a lot about this but havent been able to really write due to just crashing for prett much all of yesterday...i am feeling more awake now..a little bit anxious but more awake...

so what i was going to write about...on friday night was the office christmas party..and i was not able to go with the friend i usually go with..so it was go alone or not go at all..and i didnt want to go..i was afraid..scared..worried..i didnt want to be around the crowds or anything..and i kept saying no i wasnt going..cas i was at the office on friday and so that was the topic of conversation..and i was positive i wasnt going..but then i was thinking about well who would be there and seeing my old supervisor..and well getting my christmas bonus...money is a good motivator..but anywho..i decided to go..last minuute of course..ran out to the store to find something to wear and all of that..and did find a nice dress with sleeves no less! it was a lot shorter than anything i have ever worn..but i wore it..and i was told repeatedly at the party that i looked nice, pretty. beuatiful..that red was a lovely color on me..and i didnt disagree..and i tried hard to just say thank you and not dwell on it..because i was more focused on sitting properly and making sure my dress was down and everything lol..i was well out of my comfort zone in what i was wearing and being at the party and there being so so many people there..so i was able to sit with the coworkers i knew..and just kinda watch what was going on..i talked some..had a bit of dinner..waited and waited for the cake to be cut lol..but stayed..waiting for my supervisor kept me still and waiting..and so i dealt with the crowd..hid when i couldnt manage..and tried hard to stay calm and not just give up and leave..and so i didnt participate in any of the dancing..because at first i was just so focused on my supervisor getting there and seeing her..and just feeling uncomfortable and anxious in general..and when i am that uncomfortable i just watch everything..and i just try to blend in and not stand out..but i stayed put..and waited and watched...and finally she got there and i saw her after a bit..and she saw me and came right over and gave me a super long hug..and we were standing in a room full of people but it was as if it was just me and her and she was talking to me..and that was all that mattered..and with my supervisor she is more intent on working with me on my eye contact..and so she got ahold of me and after saying hi and everything of course the conversation moved to how i was doing in therapy and that i had already told her some of course..but yeah she was holding on to my arms while we were talking and the more she asked me to look at her the more anxious and scared i got..and she of course is standing right in front of me..telling me that its ok..and to relax and stop shaking..that she was standing right there and wouldnt let anything happen to me ..and i did look at her a little bit..i did..and she kept me with her for a bit..and talked and all of that..and i was just with her and in her company and that was all i wanted..really...and so i got two more hugs from her before leaving..and i got hugs from others that i felt safe with..and i even talked to my supervisors husband and managed to rein in my jealously just a little bit lol..

and well for anyone who knows me ..i have a thing for desseerts..and so there was a huge cake there and i was truly waiting and waiting for the cake to be cut..and of course it took all night for that to happen..and then the first two layers of the cake were red velvet and carrot..yuck!!!  and so it took even longer for them to cut into the bottom part..so it was as i was finally leaving that i realized that they had finally got to the bottom of the cake and found the good part lol..so i got my cake fix before leaving :)

and it was as i was leaving that i realized that i did feel pretty..that i was happy at moments..that i had gone to the party on my own and stayed until after midnight...when my sleep schedule lately is me being dead to the world by 8pm on a reg basis..but i was up ..super tired lol but still stayed...

and so i made it through..fears and all i made it through..and i have only focused on the positives of the party..thats all that matters...thats all i want to remember..the safety of my supervisor..the safety of my coworkers who i do consider friends..and even my director i knew would keep me safe when i was afraid..and anxious..

but i did it..even afraid and anxious...i did it.  i was outside of my comfort zone in a major major way..and it didnt kill me..i think it is surprising to me that i did it and it didnt kill me...

maybe this is progress.. :)