memories

my thoughts over power me
overwhelm me
scare me
i want the past to come alive
i hated the fear and terror
but there was pleasure with the pain

i dont remember exactly what happened
i dont remember refusing or saying no
i stayed quiet and walked away inside
it didnt hurt me
it didnt touch me

now the thoughts come back
the fear, the shame, the guilt
but i want the comfort
i need the wanting, the pleasure
i need the release
but the shame becomes overwhelming
wanting what i hate
needing what i hate
wanting what i dont remember

hold me please
ill be good
touch me please
ill tell you i like it
but when i sleep and try to remember
all i feel is the terror
knowing that something was wrong
that this was wrong

but somehow it has become twisted
somehow it has become more than just a fleeting memory
it consumes me
smoothers me
i dream about the pain that no longer hurts
the helplessness that i no longer feel
and i want it
i am ashamed that i want it..