therapy

i saw alice today..and i think i have let my guard down with her just a bit more than i have with other therapist in the past.. it is interesting that i will tell her the truth..it may take forever to get around to it..but i am god awful truthful with her..and in that respect i completely told on myself with her today..*insert massive pouting and denial here*  thinking about it now i know that i would have told her ..lately i need to tell things because if i dont and i start hiding things again then it really will get worse..so yes she knows ive been screwing with my meds and that i cut the other day and that in general i have been depressed lately.. but i was scared..to go in and actually reroute conversation and what i wanted to work on..but i dont think i would have been able to deal with another conversation today on eye contact...i dont think i would have gotten anywhere with it today because my mind was on other stuff...so much other stuff... but i went in and somehow managed to talk about what i wanted to talk about..and i say some how becausue the fear of being wrong or doing something wrong with her is still very present... and i also think an attachment to her is starting to form..its not the overwhelming i need to have your attention all day everyday attachments that i tend to get myself caught up in..but this one is slowly and i do mean slowly developing..and so it is unfamilair terriority in a way...i know how it would be with the usual i need everything from you and wont settle for anything less..it would be overload until im pushed away..and that is a cycle that tends to repeat every so often.. but the slow attachment is something new..because im not sure yet..about how things will work out..ugh i hate not knowing.. but anyway..so yes i told on myself..even though i really didnt want to admit it..but i know that hiding it will make it much easier for me to do again..that and well courtney knew and would have filled alice in about it anyway..guess its better hearing it from me..

so i kinda actually have homework..and i know im not going to do it right now because its just to soon after therapy and if i dont chill out i will freak out..so just trying to write some of this down so i dont forget it...so i relapsed..and as much as i might not like it or want to accept it..thats what it is..im trying hard to stop thinking about it as just completely failing and sucking at life..but i hate it all the same..its supposed to be better..but still i go back to it because i know it works and i just wanted relief at the time..two steps back for every one step forward..and i am thinking a bit more clearly right now and that does help..because my thoughts are racing..and i think her writing down and then showing me how it all kinda played out..was helpful..because in the moment nope i cant see the patterns to save my life...after the fact maybe i can see it but again prolly not..so having someone kinda pointing it out step by step is a hard hard pill to swallow because its like having to become aware of what is happening..and what i am doing .. and all of that...and that is scary...but hmm im starting to drift off with my thinking so i guess im done for now...