as i was driving along talking to myself as usual because things with mommy have just bothered me so much today..and just out of no where i thought, clear as day that i will not be controlled..and i thought it and even managed to finish the entire sentence out loud although it took a couple tries because i was so shocked that i had even thought it. i mean on a reg normal day any number of random thoughts go through my head, some good, some bad..but it has never been that straight forward..that simple and straight to the point..never..and i think i was just feeling a little upset at the time, anxious, completely pissed off i dont know anymore..but it was just so unexpected and i dont know yet what im thinking about it now..
i think im a little bit leary of the entire thing because i know its true..because i know i am so easily controlled by mommy, because i cant seem to stick to no with her and get away with it..because there are so many little things that keep me locked in this constant battle with her..and today she was mentioning what i needed to stop eating and what i should be doing yet again..and it bothers me because its like she is poking and pushing on the part of me that thrives to be good and do what she wants..to count cals and not eat like it was a job or something..and im worried because it took a lot of work to stop the purging..to stop counting calories and not eating and everything else i was doing for years..and still the thoughts come and go..and its like..it feels like mommy is doing everything she possibly can to make me go back to it and no she may not even know what it is exactly that she is doing..but the end result will be the same..push long enough and i guess you get what you want..but that comes at an incredibly high price..because going back to that means dealing with all the thoughts centered around being perfect, being special, being noticed..and the end result has always been dying .. being perfect at all costs..giving up everything to be exactly what im expected to be..and i was always so comfortable thinking i would do that..and i would die..nothing else made any sense..nothing else could stop that thinking or stop the wanting it..now its not so completely set in stone and i guess thats the part that worries me..
im worried about who will end up with the control in all of this..what will happen..will i end up making a horribly wrong decision for no good reason..but what i thought was right..someone has to have control..but i guess the million dollar question is asking who will get it?..
1 comment:
Someone does need to be in control -- YOU. You need to be in control. All of you. Each and every part of you. No one outside of you should ever be in control of you, because you deserve and are capable of being responsible for yourself.
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