I thank whatever gods
may be, for my unconquerable soul. I am
the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul. Nelson Mandela
you know this may be one of my most favorite of quotes. every so often i think about it..and look it up just to read it..just to reflect .. gosh im such a nerd..
but you know i have been thinking a lot lately about myself and well therapy is helping with that too..and my need to come to grips with myself as i am..and not be on this unaptainable quest for perfection. it doesnt exiist no matter what i want to force myself to believe.. there is just me..and thats all there is to it.
the funny thing is that now ..i am living on my own..being an adult (sort of ), working on my own issues and what not..and only now at the age of 28 am i beginning the whole self exploration thing...suddenly i am trying out new looks..trying out different things..without worry or fear of being judged..(hmm ok the fear is still there but its a bit more manageable)..but suddenly i want to know who i am, and what i like and what it is that i want to do..im trying so hard to break the strings of attachment to mommy..i really am..and her opinion is becoming less and less of an influence..yeah its still there..but regardless of it, im still doing what im doing..because its not about her you know..its about me..and finally i am seeing that..and understanding that..i dont have to be forced to do anything at all..i have a choice..and it may have taken me until now to figure this out..but i am figuring it out..i am beginning to own my life..little bits and pieces at a time... i talked to my sister about it the other day actually and she agreed with me...and mentioned that she is sorta going through the same thing..all the stuff that we should have been able to do as teens and missed out on...we are now doing as adults..and i guess that prolly seems silly to some people..but for me..this is a big big BIG deal..this is going against everything that i am used to and trying to forge my own way and become my own self...
when did i realize that i had to finish growing up? that i have to finish growing up. and i think that is where therapy comes in..because if i cant let go of the past i will just stay stuck..and i have been stuck for a very very very long time..and it is hard and tiring and it wears me out being stuck..being the 'me' that i am beliving i am supposed to be..it is a lot of work to maintain a facade that is not real..and yes it is my warped views of protection and life and pain and living that has gotten all mixed up and confused in my head...but it is also slowly getting straightened out...what is brought to the light of day can no longer be hidden from...i have done a lot of hiding..a lot of pretending..if i want my life to go anywhere..if i want to be able to do anything at all without fear..then i have to talk to my therapist..and be honest even if it kills me (an gosh darn it just might) but somehow i think it is time to clear my mind of a lot of the past hurts and pain..crap i have enough current hurts and pain to deal with..and mixing the two leads to nothing good..and so something has to give..i cant battle both the past and the present..its going to kill me if i keep doing that..trying to do that..
and writing this reminded me that i am supposed to be working on the mindfulness stuff..and i admit i had forgotten..but its the whole staying present..staying adult..being able to understand and know where i am at and what in the heck i am doing...its hard to explain how much i forget..and how much i struggle to stay present at times..and how much my thoughts can influence what i will and will not do...
but i am not a child anymore..i have not been a child for a very long time and its just that im the only one who hasnt figured this out yet. i still am searching and wanting a mom and talking about all of it with t lately..has me thinking and wondering more about that and maybe i do have some wires crossed in my brain...maybe i am struggling to understand what it is that i am needing and wanting..but someone has to get through all the confusion, lies, truths, pain, guilt, shame, hurts..someone has to get through all of it to find out what is left..to find out what is underneath it all...they have to get through all of that to find me..and as much as i like to think that i am right here..i am present..i am listening and hearing and seeing and living..a lot of the time im not..a lot of the time i am nowhere and everywhere..i am lost..but at least now...now i know that i have people who care enough to look for me.
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