Holding on to Hope

On september 10th, i was able to take part in a training to become a peer specialist.  I learned how to use my own past experiences to give hope and support to others who are struggling.  there were a lot of different topics addressed in the training, but the one that made the most sense to me was when we discussed how sometimes it is important to hang on to hope for someone else until they are strong enough to hold it for themselves.

In my past I have struggled often with feeling worthless, not needed, a failure. These thoughts went through my head on a daily basis.  No one could tell me anything differently.  The more anyone tried to tell me anything positive about myself the more i pushed against believing them.  I believed they were lying to me, that they were just trying to hurt me.  Growing up I learned to believe what I was told by family members, and I was told that I was worthless, I believed it, I owned it. Only when I left home did I enter into a completely different world that was foreign to me.  I did not understand the good anyone say in me.  I did not understand why anyone would spend time trying to talk to me, trying to give me hope, trying to keep me alive for another day.  I knew how easily the negative thoughts could overtake me, and they did.  I lived in a world of my own making because I did not trust anyone else.  I started therapy and didnt do the work.  I graduated from college still stuggling to find my self worth, and struggling to find peace within myself.  I got a job working with children, teaching them self esteen and how to look at the small accomplishments as major steps, but still I struggled to understand why anyone would listen to me. My self esteem and self worth was very low but still I preferred to offer support and a listening ear to those who needed it.  If I couldnt help myself then maybe I could help someone else.

This summer I was struggling a lot with suicidal ideation, I got to the point of where I thought I needed to be in the hospital because I could see no other way out.  I gave up, and I told my therapist, I told my friends, I told my doctors that I couldnt do it anymore. That living was to hard to deal with and that i did not know how to help myself anymore.  Instead of being put into the hospital and forgotten my doctors and therapists and friends rallied around me and held on to the hope for me.  They believed I would get past this, that I would be able to keep going, that I would make it to the other side and be stronger becaue of it.  I asked them why. I asked why they cared so much, why they put so much effort into just trying to keep me alive.  I was told numerous times that at any time I could have given up, I could have commited suicide but instead i reached out and asked for help.  I was told that they believed in me even though at the time I was unable to believe in myself.  I was told that they were holding on to my hope for me until i was strong enough to hold it and allow it grow myself.  In my darkest times I could remember that I did have people who cared about me. I had people who wanted to help me, and did all they could to help me when i needed it.  I am still alive today because they believed in me, they gave me hope that the pain would not last forever and that now was not the time to give up.  I may not have believed it, but they did and that was enough.  I got through my hard times, and continue to go back and forth with my support system when i am feeling hopeless and alone.  They step in and continue to hold onto hope for me until I can take it back again.

I never realized how important it was to believe in someone else until I in turn had to help someone who was suicidal.  Suddenly I was placed in the role of providing hope and support and unyielding belief that they would make it through this.  Other steps and plans were put in place to also help, but when it was all over with, the person came and thanked me for believing in them when no one else was did.  They thanked me for giving them hope when everything seemed dark and hopeless. That is when i realized just how important it is to relate to another persons struggles, to listen, to care, to believe that they will get through this moment, this hard time.  My hope was held and taken care of for me when I was to tired to carry it.  Now I am able to hold on to others hope until they reach a place where they can carry it on there own.  There is no shame in asking for help, and support. There are people who will understand, and care enough to give you enough hope to make it through whatever you are dealing with.  They are the ones that keep your personal hope safe until you have the strength to pick it back up and carry it for yourself.