not so great...

therapy was very hard today..i feel broken..i feel the need to punish. but i also feel empty and just hopeless..i said to much once aagain..and it was almost an hour of talking about mommy and so my thoughts are so scattered and wrong and not ok..i did try to work but no one was at the office because i didnt want to come home..but i ended up at home anyway..and pretty much just ate something and went to sleep..4 or 5 hours ago. i dont know. i dont remember..im trying to wake up but i feel so sad..so tured..my feelings of needing a parent are extreme right now..prolly cas im feeling so scared and vulnerable right now..and i feel asleep thinking about kathy and e;der d..i want them..they made me feel safe and cared for for just little bits of time..i realize suddenly that i am going home..i until today i had never really talked about how hard it is for me to go home..i never told anyone that going home makes me feel suicidal..i just want to lay down and forget that the world exisits..i just want to close my eyes and go to sleep and not have to deal with anything else anymore..im tired..tired of thinking..titred of feeling..tiired of wanting what i am unable to have..