i should have realized this one sooner...

i tend to forget that in the effort to stop the self harm..something else comes up to take its place...be it not taking my meds right..not feeling good and not taking meds on purpose to allow myself to suffer..and then there is the old stand by of just eating and throwing up..which i am super ashamed to even admit..i dont want to say the thoughts are in mmy head..i dont want to be scared that im going to fall back into my old habits.and ill admit i was good at it..the whole restricting. binging, purging, i could do it with out thinking..i counted calories..i weighed myself ridiculous amounts of time every day..all i thought about was food and why i couldnt have it..i compared myself to everyone around me..i wanted to be pretty and that meant being skinny..i wanted to fit in and be included.but no i never managed too...and so i would lose a few pounds..go a couple weeks with a very strict diet..and then move into overeating and throwing up until it hurt to breathe..it hurt to laugh..it hurt to do anything...its hard forcing yourself to throw up..and yeah i learned all the tricks a long time ago.whats good whats not.what helps what doesnt..but none of it makes it ok..because in the end its still a form of self harm...how can i say ive stopped when ive just traded what im doing ... i hide the eating issues more..i am ashamed that i have so many issues with food...im ashamed that i am even thinking that i can do this..and right now the driving force is my upcoming vacation..and wanting to look good and all of that...and being deathly afraid of being on the plane and not fitting in the seat or something..yeah super ashamed of that one too...but the fear is there..and so it started off fairly slowly and is going down hill pretty quickly..well no not quickly because i am still eating..but then its harder to ignore food on the weekends when im just in the house...during the week when im out and about it is a bit easier to ignore food and not eat...and with the workshop this week..lunch and all of that is provided and so me being the picky person that i am..may or may not eat anyway...oh i dont know.. i know better..i do..like i could hit myself in the head for doing this mess on purpose..its like why do it ? why make yourself sick? why try to go after some stupid goal that was created years ago and is probably unachievable anyway.. back then i didnt care andn wanted to die...now im not so sure..i dont want to die..sometimes it gets mixed up in my head and i dont know if i want to die or just hurt..but i want to stop hurting..and i cant .. i try and i fail..over and over again i fail and its like fine i give up..do whatever as long as i stay alive...and not eating isnt going to kill me..not in the short term..the same with b/p..but the b/p hurts..i will admit that..it hurts..but i welcome the pain on some level...and i write all of this..and can make sense of the whole mess..and know that i am beginning to make bad bad choices..but not really acknowledging the consequences...and its like ok lets just see what happens..because no i wont stop eating..that would be stupid...but what i eat will change drastically over the next week or so...haha could almost consider going the vegetarian route again..but nah..and still i write all that knowing i have dinner in the fridge.left overs really..and that i havent eaten for hours and my head hurts..but still i just lay here..waiting ...for what i dont know..i really dont ..