i dont know what to say..

how come things cant just stay ok?  why do they have to still hurt and surprise and leave me confused and feeling way to many things at once.

i was just getting sued to the idea of not going to church anymore..not seeing anyone from church..it was as if the door on that part of my life had slammed shut..and i was trying to deal with it..but no yesterday for no good reason at all..i decided to stop at the subway by my house to grab dinner..because i was tired and worn out and all out of energy from work..and it was just like ok subway for dinner cas that is better than fast food...and who do i run into but someone from church..which then turns into running into a whole  group of woman from church..and they all asked where ive been and what ive been up to and why i havent been at church..and i even talked to lady yesterday for a little bit..and just being there around them was all it took for the yearning and want to come back up and overwhelm me..i realized that i missed them..that i wanted to be with them..that i wanted to be with elder d for forever and wanted her to keep me..all the old thoughts that i thought  i had been able to let go of came crashing back..and i dont know what to do...i know im not comfortable in that church..more than just what was said to me..but because i dont agree with what is being preached...but would i ignore all of that to get my measly needs met?  would i really agree to set myself up to be hurt again..all the thoughts and promises are swimming in my head..i promise to be good. i promise to do what ever i need to if it means i can go back to the people i want...:(  but i know thats not good.  that its not fair to myself at all..but i dont care..my overwhelming desire for care and love outweighs my good sense and i dont know why i should fight it..i want her. i want them.. i want the comfort.  the hugs..i just want something that i am not currently getting..physical touch..without harm of course..and in the confusion and major amounts of lost feelings i just want comfort and love..and without i can feel myself wanting to pull away from everyone..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i dont want to talk to anyone or be near anyone at all. i want to hide from all of it..i want to get away from all of it..i dont want to have to think or talk or be out in the world today at all :(  going to try to make this an early day..im not sure what i can deal with today. .

i just want to go back to sleep...forced myself to sleep last night..and without meds...i know its an escape but i dont know what else to do..and im afraid that ill cry at any moment ..so i dont know..