not going to die

yesterday left me feeling incredibly broken and scared..i guess i didnt know how to deal so instead i just slept..from 2pm to 5am..all i did was sleep and wake up and go back to sleep..i couldnt do anything..my thoughts were so scattered and the need to punish was strong...so for ssafetys sake i stayed in bed..and only  got up for the bathroom and to feed the cats...other than that i slept..i couldnt process..or even think about what i talked about in therapy..it was bad ..it was hard..it was things i shouldnt have said..and so this morning i woke up and was feeling bad still..i didnt want to do anything. i wanted to hide..stay in bed..not have to deal with anything at all...and i would have stayed in bed all day had a client not called me..i had already cancelled with one but the one that called actually had something that was planned..so i had to drag myself out of bed..and i wasnt the most talkative but i saww hher and got her stuff done..and then even though again i just wanted to go home instead i went to the office..where i alternated between just sitting and staring out the window and looking up random things online..to doing paperwork ever so slowly..and i did have my supervision today and that took an hour all by itsself to talk about all of my clients and there issues and what not..and i think i needed that too..but in the office i wasnt alone..i was sorta hiding in the corner office..but i wasnt alone in the office..i was safe in the office..and so that allowed me to calm down and get work done and stop focusing on the upset feelings inside..getting out stopped me from dwelling on the negative stuff..and i know that i really need to see my therapist next week...really really need to see her..but i am moving back to stable ground...im still feeling pretty sad and quiet..but i am not going to kill myself..and im not going to cut..im going to be ok i think...just gotta take it a day at a time for now..and focus on other things...

so for now i am thinking and focusing on my lunch meeting with my old supervisor..who i havent seen in forever and i have missed her so so much..and i do call her every so often..but its not the same as seeing her in the office all the time..and so having all of her attention for prolly more than an hour is like the most awesome thing ever...plus she said that i could get as many hugs as i wanted..which i completely plan to take her up on lol..hugs from her are super super good and safe..and i missed ..and in my head i have once again attached myself to her side...like litterally if i could get away with sitting next to her i would..but i know that wouldnt be acceptable..and so ill have to siit across from her and be ok with getting hugs and thats all..i have to remind myself that she is not my parent and cant be my parent...i know that i do..but knowing i will see her..and be near her and just talk to her makes me feel super excited..but again in my head things are so much more..so much bigger...in my head i am already gone with her and safe for forever..-sigh-  that does make it hard because i know it cant happen like that..and i have to keep myself in check..but its so hard :( and the little kids in my scream to be loved and noticed and wanted and ugh...its just hard..its good and not good all at the same time..but the good is going to outweigh the bad...cas seeing her is calming all by itself..just being with her for a little bit of time will have to be enough for now...

so yes...going to have to be really careful the next few days...and try not to stress out..i have two things to look forward too..and so i need to just focus on that...seeing my supervisor and going on my trip..dear gosh i need that trip..i need a break..a real honest to goodness break...