i think its been a little while since ive actually written and cleared my head out...i have been feeling a bit quiet and things have been pretty busy with the workshop last week and work this week..and trying to stay calm and removed about the birthday..im nervous though..really nervous about friday and what to do to keep myself busy and not stay in bed all day..already i am feeling the sadness creep in and im trying to fight it. i am.
there is a lot in my head and it does confuse me right now...it makes me tired but at the same time my days have become more stable..i am more stable...im not feeling as if im going to like walk off into the deep end at any moment. im scared that it will happen again..but for now im trying to stay in the present and not stress about the future where i dont know what is going to happen..
i dont know..maybe i will babysit this weekend...but well i really think i want to be by myself..which is the problem..me being by myself..crap..i dont know what to do..and im no longer sure i even want to write this anymore...
birthdays are depressing...and being alone makes it more depressing..and im considering just forcing myself to go out and do something you know..or get a little cake or something..but i dont know..real possibility of going to build a bear...and maybe if i am by myself i can pick up dinner and have a little mini party and just try to have a good day...thats the plan anyway..
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