a bit of to much thinking

im feeling very sad right now...wondering about how different my life could have been without the past getting in the way..if the past hadnt happened or been different...would i be happier now?  would i be better at dealing with life?  would i want to be alive?  it sso confusing..wanting so much..wanting to do adult things but fear stops me...im afraid of myself..im afraid of everyone else..im afraid of the unknown..and i cant take that step..im to broken to have a normal relationship..not a physical one or and emotional one..i dont think i have it in me to do that..to be able to deal with that..yet i want it more than anything..i want to be held and loved and touched without fear..without wondering what i may or may not be made to do..i dont want to be forced again..ever..but im not sure i can ever give consistent .. i was robbed of that ability so very long ago...and now i have all of these feelings and wants that scare me..things that involve being in  a relationship..and i cant even deal with thinking about it..i cant see someone else in my bed..i cant see someone else touching me...it is to scary..im afraid that i will be hurt ..that i wont be able to responded..that there is nothing inside of me capable of being loved..and so i feel jealous and hurt when i see families..happy families.when i see women with there children..or being around pregnant women...so so jealous...because they are getting to have a baby..they are getting to be loved and cared for and all of that stuff..and me..i just watch from the sidelines..waiting ..i just dont know for what...its not fair..and it makes me feel like such an outsider...