today

today has been an interesting day..i went to work and attended a crisis meeting type thing for one of the ladies i worked with..she gets pretty suicidal at times and im sitting there thinking well crap is this what its going to come to me?? but it was ok..i was just helping the cl answer some of the questions..and i was late and i left early so im sure i made a good impression ..but i had to leave early to see the pdoc and they kept me there for an hour and a half! i was late getting back to work..essh...but this time it did go a little bit better in some ways..and well not as well in others...the lady i saw wasnt a pdoc she was an intern and she had real issues with that i hadnt been to see the pdoc yet and that i kept coming and not seeing him..so i have to go back on friday to see him..but again i have to wait to be told a time ...so i will see how that goes..but after i finished talking to the doc i was seeing today i swear everyone knew that i had been screwed over more than once with the scheduling and so they all promised you know that i would get in on friday to see him..so i guess ill have to wait and see what happens with that...the doc though i saw today put me back on lexapro because i had taken it before and i told her i dont think i had any reactions to it..and that i would prefer lexapro to prozac because that one i didnt like at all..and she gave me samples so i didnt have to spend the money on a prescription..and we talked about a lot of different things...she talked and tried to get me to talk..with in the first 20 or so minutes she stated that i wouldnt look at her..and a bit after that she told me that i had problems with talking about myself and what has happened to me, etc..which i find funny because shes right of course..those are two things i really dont deny at all..she wondered how i had managed to get out of seeing a pdoc until now kinda..considering you know that all of this has been going on for a really long time ... all of them ask about the hospital and what not ..but then we talked quite a bit about suicide and everything and she told me that her decision for putting me back on lexapro was because she didnt want to give me anything stronger that i could overdose on...and then she told me that she would prefer i was getting more intensive therapy..and i had to tell her that i wasnt leaving my therapist now so that issue she let drop..but back to the convo on meds..she told me that she thinks i will need a stronger combo of meds to help with the issues im having..but because of the sui stuff she didnt want to do that and will leave it to the pdoc to decide..thats the same reason kinda that she decided to stick to just starting me on one and seeing how that went before stopping it or changing it or something.. it just makes me feel really crazy to be told you know that i need more help, that im not getting enough :( i mean i would think i manage ok most days...but then bad days arent horribly bad..and the suicidal thoughts can be overwhelming on a pretty regular basis..but that doesnt make me crazy does it? i dont know..i told her i would try and i will and this time i wont just randomly stop them because i dont like taking them ...


i took the first dose today after i left the place and stopped to find info on the meds cas i had forgotten it all...and seriously i was ready to just go to bed a couple hours ago im so tired ..im trying to stay awake long enough to clean up a bit and organize work stuff to turn in tomorrow..but im not sure ill make it lol..and then theres the interview tomorrow but thats not even stressing me right now..mommy had her way and ill be wearing long sleeves tomorrow because i saw no point anymore in arguing about it you know...she had her say last night and let me know just how rotten and selfish i was.when all she was doing was trying to help and understand me..so i shut up about everything and just stood there and listened...and then the issue of dusti came up and things just fell apart from there...i wont cry over anything else but the thought of giving dusti away had me crying for an hour :'( not good at all


ps..i also showed the doc my arms and some of the other scars..the real ones..and she touched them and then told me that i didnt have to be ashamed of them ..that it would be ok