maybe thats exactly what im doing..looking for another way to kill myself and well its not like i have many options left..too much time away has made me not expect her to do anything and that was pretty stupid on my part..obviously i dont care if i die or not..obviously the scars will stop me from doing anything at all so why do i even bother trying..no i dont care..stupid me for thinking any different.take one away and something else has to take its place..maybe cutting just started it all..but thats not right because i was purging way before i started cutting..so i guess that started it..and then there was burning myself..which was a lot less messy..cutting and purging can both become really messy issues..but take all those away and then i was just suicidal..and wanted anything at all to make it go away..these days i guess binging wins most days for things to do to myself..but its not really done in a harming sort of way..i ijust want something to get my mind off of everything else..good, bad, upset, lonely, whatever it is..everything is all wrong..and i know given enough time i will do it and it wont matter..and its back to where it was a week ago..if i can just manage to pull away from everything then it wont matter and i can just go back to killing myself incredibly slowly..mommy wins again doesnt she ..she always win and then i just wonder what im doing..and what im thinking of doing will make linda so mad at me..it will make everyone mad at me..and that should concern me..i wish it did..but im almost wishing i could talk myself out of what ever it is that im trying to plan or think about or want..im thinking about everything all at once ..it has been made pretty clear that dusti is causing to much trouble for mommy in the house..even though she has been trapped upstairs and not allowed downstairs anymore..and im not here enough to keep her off of stuff and i was so sure i would never have to give her up..my head hurts with the stress of so many things and no way to work any of it out..theres no one to take dusti for me..and i dont know how ill keep her under the radar from mommy..maybe ill be able to find a job between and now whenever and be able to leave with dusti..if i gave her to the pound..there would be no reason at all for me to even bother coming home anymore..what will i need to give up inorder to keep dusti..food..breathing..living..there were other things in the nice conversation mommy had with me...and all that came out of it was that i have an attitude to much of the time, i need to lose weight, and i need to do something about dusti..not caring and working out killing myself and job search issues where in there too..and all done with my best interest in mind..how long has she been holding that conversation in..have things just been to quiet lately or something..i dont know..i should have expected something to happen..there were to many calm days i guess..but its all done with for now im assuming..one of those never ending dont let your guard down type days and i wasnt ready..my fault..but lets see how many stupid things i can do in a weeks time and go from there