need to ramble

i dont know what i want to write about..but there are so many things stuck in my head right now.. a lot about things that happened yesterday and what i didnt like about it..

therapy yesterday..was hard..i was going to say it sucked royally but changed my mind cas well i just did..but linda talked to the doc that i saw on monday..and they talked about me which i dont mind so much since i did give linda permission to talk to them and what not...but then she just had to go and bring up the questions about whether or not i was sexually abused...i dont care who asks me that question, the answer is always no..or i dont know..but i know saying i dont know is not better than just leaving it at no..i might as well be wearing a neon sign that says the answer is yes..but i wont say it..im not sure ill ever say it or acknowledge it or anything..i cant ..i dont want too..and i know linda cant do anything with it if i keep denying it..and i keep denying it..no matter what i want to say or not say it doesnt matter..i tell myself to calm down and say no, or not to say anything..but while she was talking to me about yesterday and i tried to listen to her but i was getting to scared..and it was back to standing on some line and being unable to decide what i wanted to do..stay and listen or run and hide..i wanted to run..hide..block out everything she was saying..but i think i was to scared to even try .. i was getting upset, mad at her for asking me, for making me think about it..work very hard not to think about any of it because i dont remember and i dont like thinking about it because then i try to remember what happened..and i cant...just little things that i dont like..i dont want to know it.after wasting forever and not being able to say anything i finally asked her if we could talk about something else..and she let me change the subject..its just still making me upset..

went and saw the pdoc yesterday also..seriously they made me wait so long i was going to get ready to leave when he came and got me..its just that there were so many ppl ahead of me and maybe he started late or something..but i waited for like an hour or so before i was even called back.. i guess he is ok..dont know yet if i like him or not..but it wasnt horrible talking to him ..and the convo wasnt all that interesting..his professional opinion is that i was depressed..gee i didnt know that..but he didnt change the meds or anything and that was good..but i have to go back next month..i almost managed to make it through the whole appt without him noticing or bring up the scars..and i was leaving his office..when he stopped me and asked me to come back for a minute..and of course it was like holy crap...and he told me he noticed the scars and asked if they were from cutting..didnt beat around the bush on that question..but i told him that i hadnt done it since dec and i hadnt and that brought up more questions about suicide..and then he started asking me if i had ever been in group therapy..he told me that i really needed to consider doing dbt group therapy..to help with the urges and cooping skills and things..he referred me..but also told me that i could talk it over with my therapist which i agreed to do..im just not sure about group therapy..he said that with dbt we arent talking about past stuff really.just more of talking about the here and now, being present, coping skills, etc...and i know it would prolly be a big help you know but it would also be a big big commitment..cas on one of the sites i started posting at about meds and what not..there were messages about dbt and its 6 months! like just starting out its 6 months...and its like well heck that means ill be staying in wilmington now! cas now all of my docs are here..and all this other stuff...its a lot to take in..and process and deal with..