things are changing

yesterday..after months of refusing, of doing everything in my power to stay put and i guess suffer in a way..i told my friend that i would move to va with her..she flat out asked me yesterday if i would move up there with her..i freaked out about it for about an hour before telling her i would do it.. i want to go, i want to leave here, start over, get away from home..and this is my way out..this is the way to do it without having to do it alone..and freaking out even more about it..im going to live with some i know and am used too..and that is better i think..specially money wise to do it this way..i asked her to give me a month to get things in order..to get a car..so we are looking at me moving in aug..that would be the shortest amount of time..i may short for the middle of aug if im starting to feel a little bit rushed or things arent working out so well...but i figured a month was a far amount of time to keep me slightly motivated to stay on task and actually get things done..i hope

i told mommy last night..i told my younger brother and sister yesterday..my brother told me bye..my sister doesnt want me to go but after talking a bit she told me that she thought i had thought it out enough and that if thats what i wanted then i should do it...mommy told me that she hoped i would get a car and that as long as i was happy she was fine with it , she asked why..and i told her that i wanted to do it..:unsure: that upset me some..i wanted her to tell me that i had to stay..that she needed/wanted me to stay..i wanted a reason to be upset about it..i wanted a reason to be ok with deciding finally to go and i didnt get it from her..not yet anyway..because i told her while she was out of town and that is most likely why she was so nice about..but on that ride back from the hospital on monday i know the topic will come back up..i know she will ask more questions about it..i know she wont let it go so easily..

im scared..really scared..wondering if i am making the biggest worst choice ever..and yet im going to do it..i know i am...linda tells me that with some things you just have to do it..and try..and see what happens...it makes me so very uncomfortable..and scared and worried..but im not anxious about it..i guess i know that it is the best idea..even if it means leaving everything and starting over ... i dont know what i want to be told about it though..i keep asking everyone what they think..knowing that no one else can really make the decision for me..but i think i want someone to just want me to stay or something