feeling ok

so feeling better today..more settled at least..head is quiet again..have moved on i guess..you know the suicidal thoughts havent been around for a couple weeks now..its been so long since ive had a break from them you know.even yesterday battling all the shameful feelings i wasnt feeling sucidal at all..just lots sad ...but feeling better today and i think thats good ...im kinda glad now that i agreed to try the meds

last night mommy actually talked to me..and asked my opinion about stuff..not that i talked so much because my sister was talking more and i just added in a few things here and there..but i think thats why its so hard to let go completely with her...because every so often something like last night will happen and i can control my temper and not get defensive and stop listening or get yelled at or anything..even though it happens like once every 3 months or something..and even last night while talking i was still the second rate person because every thing that got her attention meant i would have to wait to finish what i was saying or telling her..and the phone ringing is a huge let down because then its like im forgotten again..and its not fair..but i still wait for her..and i wish i would stop

but umm pretty much mommy is going out of town for an entire week!! she leaves on tuesday and i get to take her to the airport at 5 in the morning..but i dont care because it will be a full week of freedom..no yelling at all..barely have to talk to her even..and she will be gone until next week..and holy cow its going to be so quiet..

im going back up to nias tonight and spending the night there..and coming back tomorrow in time for work..

so i guess im doing ok