surreal

i really dont know why i even bothered with all the cleaning this morning..she didnt notice..i didnt expect her to but i still wanted it .. one of these days i will get around to not wanting it so much..to being able to let it go..but for now i still just cant..i hope it will be easier once i move..i hope a lot of things will be easier once i move

all the car stuff has drained me..im done..im tired of it all..going a different route and looking into used cars now..i was going to consider getting my uncles car but that will be to much stress and more 'family' in my business..so that thought didnt last long at all...it was a nice thought but i figured out it would not be the best thing..my other option..my only other option really is taking all of my next pay check and putting a down payment on a car..a used one..and going from there..and that is a huge huge leap of faith that it will work you know..but already im looking at not working from this thursday to next tuesday when i get a car 'hopefully'..cas i dont get paid again until next week..and well i wont get into how far into the negative zone my account has gone right this minute..but i really would just rather miss work for a few days instead of stressing about coming up with money for a rental car again..i just cant deal with that either right now..

bill collectors piss me off..really truly they do..i was nice enough to call and ask them to cancel a payment for me..and after being transferred a million times i ended up with the rudest guy ever..and im trying to explain that i dont have the money you know..and he keeps telling me that once its in its set in stone and what not and just annoyed me and i just finally 'almost' yelled at him that he could run my account or not but the money wasnt there..and that at least i was nice enough to call in advance and let him know..and in the end he canceled it..but good grief..

chatted with mommy about all the moving stuff and she is really ok with it...shocked the crap out of me..seriously..we really talked today about what i wanted to do about moving..and knowing that i would need a job and money and all of that..we talked about what i would need to move and offered different options even with leaving without having a job... its all so different all of a sudden you know..maybe its just knowing that im so so close to being away from here..and that struggling with my friend is not the same as struggling at home ..and ill take my chances up there you know...


and of course theres now the possibility of getting more hours at work..of course that happens now! when im looking at moving soon..

and you know what..i managed to have an entire conversation with my sister today about what i wanted...what i wanted to do..what i thought about all the car stuff and some other things going on..and it was ok you know..she listened ..and told me what she thought about it too..normally that doesnt happen...in a week ive managed to make more real decisions and stick to them than i have been able to do in a long long time..i can think through and decide something without freaking out about it...im thinking that it was a good idea for me to do meds for now anyway..

guess thats all of my rambles for today ;) im going to bed...i can relax a bit tonight because i already turned in paperwork for this week!! yep..i learned my lesson with the lateness the last time..they have gotten stricter about withholding pay if notes are late..and i was late for two weeks! crap you know..but no more late notes..nope nope :)