i am ok. i will be ok.

after multiple hours of sleep last night..crap..i woke up feeling a bit more clear headed...still sad..but im not going to die..it is a long long process coming to terms with what was said to me...and because it got all mixed up with mommy stuff it just became even harder to let go...the urge to go and try to fix this still plagues me..but im not strong enough or stable enough to keep going back to the church...if i had said nothing about what i was dealing with or asking for support..i may have lasted a bit longer...but the way things played out..i guess it just wasnt meant to be.and still i hurt over it..i wonder about the people that i have lost and well will lose touch with now that i wont be seeing them on a reg basis anymore..and that makes me feel even more alone..

i still want to escape the world..which is prolly why i got so much sleep last night...regardless of every freaking thing that i have to do and know that i need to do..instead i sleep..and sleep and sleep some more...to escape.to turn off my head..to get away from myself and my thinking for a little while...didnt even take meds last night to sleep...i just slept..

saw pdoc shortly yesterday..and im back on the wellbutriin .. i asked her if i could have it back and she said ok..i mean i see her again in a couple weeks ...well towards the end of the month..now that it is aug...but still ill be seeing her soon..and so my current cocktail is prozac, wellbutrin, and klonidine... the prozac may be stopped when i see her again but for now i guess im taking both since i wasnt told otherwise...maybe it will help..i hope that it does help..im tired of feeling so down...

and i do get to see linda today..which almost has me feeling happy...i miss the safety of her office..i miss talking to her..and not seeing her since i refuse to look at her .. i think though that i just miss the steady support of having someone who listens to me every week..and i may be getting that back but its different with a new person..and takes forever for me to feel comfortable and all of that..so yeah...

still working to get in my late work...one more set of notes to do..well one more weeks worth of notes to do..and i will be done..and caught up..and i swear to never fall behind again...ugh...

but just needed to write a litttle bit ..empty my head for the day...

and i have to remember that i am supposed to be working on mindfulness to help when i am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed...cant forget..and ill have to keep track of it..so yeah me for wasting money on school supplies i didnt need.cas now i have a note book to use :)

oh and on a small small good note...i ofically sent off for my passport yesterday!  finally after a bagillion years im getting a passport..and then i just need to work on getting my plane ticket...and ill be all ready for oct :)

and im also sorta working on this newsletter thing...a recovery newsletter..i get my own little column for a little while to see how it goes...which is kinda cool too..

i just have to keep reminding myself that there are people who love and care about me..even if it may not feel like it at the time..im not as alone as i think i am..talking to myself doesnt count!!

ok im really done now..

laters