im trying to stay positive in the midst of a lot of shit to put it nicely...ok well maybe not so nicely but it gets my point across...it has taken me two weeks to even begin to deal with the whole church thing and i am working hard not to be swayed back into going...im not comfortable so there is no point...but ok thats all said and done i guess..i did get a chance to talk to my director and let her know that i am not going back for now...and she told me she respected my decisioin..but i got the feeling that she also thinks i somehow should have seen this coming and what not...but ok again everyone is entitled to there own opinions..so im just trying to put it out of my head and move on...
issues with a client going on that did hurt me..but again something that wasnt my fault and that i have no control over...ill have to come up with an explanation soonn enough but for now just waiting to see how it plays out...benefit of the doubt ..walk in forgiveness..blah blah blah..sometimes all the be positive and forgiving and upbeat makes me want to barf..
issues with my car now..and the fact that there is a freaking hole in my freakin door...and no i dont have the money to get it fixed...and it annoys me big time because i dont think it was my fault ..but again trying not to get myself worked up over it because its just going to make me more upset and i cant do anything about it right now...my car still works...it could have been worse..again the whole blah blah blah find the positives in this is really getting to me...
i think i just want to scream and cry and demand something..i just dont know what it is that i want...my director is right in that i do want attention..and no i dont get enough attention..as much as i avoid it..i want it..and so with the whole disconnect from church my social outings just got cut in half big time..so yes i am feeling lonely and lost and sad..again the meds help only so much..and the rest is up to me..and my choice to make amd yada yada yada,..i just want to scream at someone today..throw something ...hit something...i want to go out but wont..my hair is curently a big annoyance because i cant take out the braids for a couple reasons...one i cant see the back to get them unraveled..and two hair glue is all in parts of the braids ..and so i cant get them out by myself..and the girl who was doing my hair is having a hissy fit and not talking to me..so yeah ..kinda stuck for now..until i figure out what im going to do about it ..or who i am going to get to help me with it..i dont like the glue being in my hair..but i know better than the try to get it out without help...so yes..for now ..i am truly stuck for now...and i dont want the glue to be in my hair for forever..and so at some point it will have to come out..and so that means finding someone or some place that will be able to fix it for me..and since right now its been quite a while since ive had a perm..i dont want to get one just yet..i just want to keep my hair braided up..and covered up...
im feeling tense and uncomfortable right now..and i really do just want to go to sleep but my apartment is a mess and i need to clean up..i need to do something to stay busy..but i dont want to do anything at all ...and now with so much going on and my need for money right now ..im like freaking back to being on top of my paperwork and all of that...no more late stuff..cas i can get more money if everything is in on time...go figure...so working to be doing notes all day tomorrow ..joy..
and i realize that my trip is in a little over two months...scary..but i have sent off for my passport..so that was one step...next step is getting down there..and im not sure if i want to take the weekend before and drive down...or just take the money and fly...cant decide and i keep going back and forth on what i want to do...and what will be the best choice money wise...cas driving has its beneifts..and it will give me time to make stops and relax and not feel so rushed you know...but then ill have to rent a car...and leave it in miami which is a problem...if i take my car .. i would just have to pay for parking.but i dont want to drive my car down to fla...so yeah ..i dont know yet.. my ticket will have to be bought soon and then ill need to start putting away spending money for being down there..and all of that...so yeah lots and lots and lots going on...
and im just trying to keep my head above water...trying to deal with everything and not get back into the state i was in just last week...that was not a good place to be in...so now that i am feeling better at least in that sense..i would like to not have that happen again..
but yes.the need to shut down and close myself off from the world is strong right now..and i know there are pros and cons to doing that...but for now i guess im just feeling to exposed..to vulnerable to deal with anything big or stressful right now...i just want a break..
although tomorrow i think i will actually have to leave the house..i dont have to go anywhere today..i know im hiding .but that cant be helped for right now...
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