stupid

i problem is that i exiisit. that im here and i dont want to be here.  not really.  im just stupid and worthless and useless and i just want to be wanted and needed and instead i got pushed aaway..and judged and all of that ..and out of no where today it just became to much to handle and think about..and the world became to much to deal with and i couldnt stay present at all..and so i came home..because everything was to much to handle and i just wanted a quiet place to be..but that got all messed up cas i started crying on the way home when i realized just how much i was missing on particular person from the church..and that led to even more crying cas cant go back..but the feelings of rejection and all of that is big right now..even now weeks later i am still reduced to tears because i dont know what to do or say or think..and so my thinking is spiraling down really really fast..and a lot of negative thoughts are coming up..and with them the urges to hurt myself and all of that come too..i want to just take my meds and go to sleep..thats all i want right this minute..