yep i know its super early and i know that since im up i should be so working on my notes and what not..but i am still a bit sad and worried about yesterday and feeling as if i talked to much...i also realized that yesterday i am forgetting a lot again..like massive amounts of missing information..and its hard for me to recall what ive done each day..my days become mixed up and run together and its all just mashed together and not seperate at all...but yesterday i saw t..and im supposed to be seeing t again today..a different t...but i think im gonna end up stopping with the one im seeing today...a part of me likes seeing two different people because i want the attention...but at the same time its really hard not having a constant connection to my old t now that im only like seeing her once a month or something...i dont know i may end up cancelling todays session and moving it to next week..just to give myself a little break.since im still feeling incredibly vulnerable and out of sorts from yesterday...
normally i guard my secrets so strongly..but lately.like within the past year they keep slipping out..and i keep talking and trying to deal and feel better ..but along with the talking comes the depression and the self harm and the need to punish myself for breaking some unspoken rules..like yesterday i talked to to much..and during the session my anxiety wasnt that bad..it was there but it was manageable...but i left and everything was suddenly frustrating and overwhelming..like what i had to deal with for the day an work and what not..it became to much to deal with..and i just became more and more upset with everything and everyone..almost to the point of crying..and finally i realized that i was feeling all over the place and upset because i broke the rules..rules that im not even sure exist..but its like ive done something wrong..by talking and telling about what i think and feel and being honest..i almost wish i was better at lying just so that this wouldnt hurt so much..having to talk about and deal with all of the mess of my childhood and the following years..sometimes i dont want to deal with it at all..and that it why i ask for the valium..i want to just make it through the day..i dont want to have to think or feel or act or anything..because everything hurts to much and it makes me sad..and it makes me hurt..like hurt inside where no one can see..and no one knows about..and so i try to pretend ..and sometimes its doesnt even work anymore..im no good at pretending anymore..iits to much effort...and some days i dont think i care...and the sadness is hitting hard today..very very sad...i know that im not going to hurt myself...but the sad thoughts do take over ..and if i dont get them to stop then it will just get worse..and i was just managing to feel better..but now im scared and feeling vulnerable and im trying to trust that she is safe and wont tell what i say to her..but yes i will worry about it until i see her again...ill try not to but i think it will be a worry...and lets me know that i will try to escape in any way that i can...to hide from the thoughts..to hide from myself..to hide from the world.. i can feel the depression creeping in and taking hold..and i no longer want to do anything at all....i was struggling to do stuff anyway..but now its just a bit worse..and i dont know what to do...i forget what it is that im supposed to do..i did actually find my wrap plan the other day..and i may need to look at it again..but still all of it makes me tired..the fact that i cant gain control over myself makes me so so so tired and worn out..and there are so many demands on me..my clients demand a lot of me..demand a lot of my time and energy..andn it feels like i end up giving so so much to them that by the end of the day i have nothing left in me to give myself..and so i come home and crash..and then get up the next day and just do it all over again...its draining...its tiring...and so maybe the workshop that im doing will be a nice little break..for a few days anyway..i dont know..im feeling lost and a bit hopeless right now...and frustrated cas i cant seem to get my work done...and i feel like im just struggling to get through each day..and still manage somehow...i dont know what in the world im doing ... im existing but not living..im here but im not present...my thinking is all over the place..my feelings are all over the place...im tired..but i sleep all the time...life makes me tired..life wears me out...it takes so much to get myself together and up and moving that i just struggle...and its hard because so many people just dont understand...its more than just getting over it ..or getting out of bed..its like a battle of wills..i fight myself to get up every freaking day..i have to remind myself over and over that i am supposed to be doing stuff..working on stuff..living..engaging..talking..and instead i do just enough to get by...just enough to slip through the cracks unnoticed..but i crave the attention..i want the attention..but i cant have the attention..and so no ..i just keep slipping through..and ill be gone before anyone even notices that something was really wrong..
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