was i one of the lucky ones?

somehow i am still awake and it is like 10:30..i was rereading a book about child abuse because i had forgotten what it was about when i ran across it somewhere else online..but im awake all the same.. and im just wondering about things..

there is some huge child pornography ring that is being busted right now..i hope all the adults involved go to hell for what they did..or looked at ..or..ugh.. i dont understand the need to have that kind of power and control over someone...and it is even harder to work to pick up the pieces and put them back together...when its the world that i am afraid of..the people i am afraid of..im afraid to live..but im also afraid to die..but i am broken..messed up...different..crazy..mental..whatever you want to call it..in the end it all comes down to the same thing...i was hurt a lot ..in a lot of different ways..and the ways i learned to cope with it are unacceptable in the civilized society..now my world revolves around medication, and therapist, and psychiatrist, and doctors and appointments and im told to talk and share and at the same time im told to be quiet and not say anything becuase some people just dont understand...just who am i ending up protecting?? i thought it was ok to ask for support..and because it is just so hard for me to do that..i just shut down when im rejected..and then i dont want to speak ever again..i want to just lock all of my secrets back up where things were safe and quiet...well in my mind they were safe..i was safe...no one knew...no one worried..no one cared..but am i one of the lucky ones?  i wasnt saved back then..and i was ruined in so many ways..but i am still alive..i havent died..that is a big big deal i think...

but that would be taking steps backwards..im trying..i am trying to stay in control..but i feel i dont know..

ive been cranky today..and am feeling a bit overwhelmed...i think i see extra meds in my future..i know im feeling tension..i can feel it in my shoulders...and im reminded that im supposed to be working on relaxing more and staying in the moment..and i found this really cool app on my kindle that does all these relaxation music and sounds and stuff..so im gonna see if that helps with getting me to calm down a bit...