yesterday...

i seem to be on a roll today..with writing.. i am feeling more settled today ..i am feeling calmer today. a little bit better at least and that is a good thing..

yesterday i saw linda..yesterday morning and we talked about how i had been feeling..which hadnt been all that great you know..i was feeling sad..slightly suicidal..and we talked about it.. we talked about what i had been doing to distract myself..i was reminded about my contract with her about not killing myself...it was helpful i think to put it into words and say them out loud..i wanted her to know..well i mean i do tell her when i am feeling like that..and i left feeling sorta settled..in some ways..not great by any means but a bit more settled...

and then i kinda hung out at home and wasted time..i didnt see any clients yesterday ..i actually didnt have anyone scheduled..so i came home..and just wasted time pretty much..

and then yesterday evening i went and talked to lady again..and was able to stay with her..i think i feel safe with her and able to contain myself a little bit...she talked to me about how i was feeling but its different than when im with linda..she bases her talks around god and how he has helped and how he is there...we talked about me feeling angry with him..and we did talk a little about the cutting and the well suicidal stuff..and she listened..and talked to me and hugged me a lot...she told me that she would keep talking to me and keep helping me and that there wasnt anything at all that would make her mad at me.  i was really worried about that..i was really worried that i would overwhelm her and that she would not talk to me anymore..and so she had to get me to break down those thoughts and explain it to her cas i was confusing her..and so then she asked me about going to bible study..and i truly had never been to bible study..a foriegn concept to me..seriiously..and so i went with her and almost had a panic attack due to sitting right in the front...freaked me out big time..and it didnt help that the topic was truth and letting go and gosh darn i wanted to like sink into the floor or something..but i did stay and i listened or tried to listen and tried not to freak out horribly...and then lady did the lets go introduce you to ppl...and ireally wish i was better at remembering people and names..cas yeah..i dont think i remembered anyone she had me talking too..well she talked and i just got lots of hugs..no men though.. just women ..so it was a little bit more ok. and i didnt freak to much..but i was a bit nervous and like sweating horribly lol...i really should have taken off my jacket but well yeah..i was nervous and wanting to hide so yeah i kept it on...and then she and one of her daughters walked with me to my car..and her daughter told me that i needed to hold my head up and that i had nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hold my head down..and im not sure about that..im afraid of looking at ppl and all of that..so we will see..i mean everyone is nice and everything..but i am still a little afraid..i dont feel very adult when im there and even when im with lady because its like she is going to keep me safe.  she is going to protect me..hmm i did tell her that i was afraid of her husband though..so that she would know..and of course her idea is for me to get to know him..but i am afraid..and wont look at him at all ..she told me that its not fair to group all men in one category..and i know thats true..but still i am afraid of men..i am scared of what they want from me..she mentioned that we should have a session with him there..and i think i refused..i dont remember exactly..but yeah i know she mentioned it..and im sure it got me wanting to just throw a tantrum...but yeah..that was a lot last night..to take in and be around...a lot of people..a lot of noise..and at a couple times with just lady i got the worse headaches trying to think and process and stay present..
and i was really tired when i got home...i think i was calmer though..im not completely sure...

but yes my anger has been kicked into high gear lately..i truly want to like umm well hiss at ppl..i think i start getting mad and i dont know how to show it or express it and so it just kinda starts coming out and taking over and i dont know..things are just getting a lot weird lately..a lot weird..

so im supposed to be like writing this list of positive things about myself..and reading some things in the bible..and yeah..being positive and working on stopping the negative thoughts..
not to mention that lady will call my attention to her..and my darn need to obey and do what im told means that she can get me to look in her general direction..she did it 3 or 4 times yesterday when i was with her..and it was when she was trying to get me to understand something..and that makes me feel even more nervous but i tried..so yeah...that was yesterday...

i think yesterday counts for a long long lonnnng day