Well today is Easter and I mean overall today my mood has
been ok…I was feeling ok for the better part of the day with a few harder times
mixed in..my anxiety was really high today and I picked my fingers apart while
in church. I didn’t mean to but it just happened..i actually went to church
today by myself..without Jessica being there..and it was really scary and I felt
like I just stuck out so very much..like everyone was looking at me and
everything..Lady (the pastors wife) gave me a hug before the service
started..and I don’t even know how she recognized me because I was completely
focused on something else at the time and was faced away from the aisle at the
time..but she asked how I was and hugged me…and I kinda kept an eye on her
during the service..because im just weird like that..and when I have ppl that I
am attaching to I tend to keep track of them..because I think it makes me feel
better in some weird way..knowing where they are at…and then there is the other
lady there who I am attaching to also and I was really upset when I couldn’t find
her..like really crazy upset..and I kept thinking about why she wasn’t there
when I needed her to be there..i really did..and it took a little while for me
to find her..but once I did I calmed right down again..and so I sorta kept tabs
on her also…I tried to listen to the service today but thinking about it now I don’t
remember it much at all..i mean the jist of it of course I know..i mean I do
know the story of the resurrection and all of that..but as for the message I just
don’t remember it…and then of course there was the whole prayer part at the
front that I really wanted to go do but again fear stopped me..i was deathly
afraid..and I couldn’t go up there..i couldn’t..and I was just watching all of
it happening and I was so jealous and upset because I wasn’t able to have that
kind of support and my head of course twisted it all up and I was thinking that
no one liked me and there was no help for me and that I wouldn’t be forgiven
for anything because I was awful..and again I kept tabs on the two women who
happen to sorta take part it that and prayer for the ones who are asking for
prayer..and I was upset about them giving there attention to others..when I so
obviously needed there attention…but it just left me feeling really very sad
you know..like I so want to be able to just go and ask for support and I cant
because im afraid..had I been sitting closer to either one of them I may have
asked for prayer or something without going up to the front..i almost wished Jessica
had been there so that I could have asked her to ask one of them to come over for
me..hmmm I don’t know…but well I got through the whole service..and when it was
over I sorta slipped out with the visitors even though I have been there for
like more than 2 months now..but still im not a member so I guess that makes me
still a visitor! But anyhoo I went and
information room and tried to socialize but sucked majorly at it..and I ended
up just filling out the registration form for the womens retreat..i don’t know
if ill be able to get the money for it..but ill try..i really want to go but
well if I cant afford it then I cant..and im trying to be ok with that..but I did
that..and then I sorta pinpointed lady again and sorta hovered around her until
she noticed me..and she offered a hug..which I accepted of course.and it
was a very tight and safe hug..it
was..and I think I just wanted her to keep me forever..but we chatted for a
little bit and she confirmed our appointment for wed evening..and so I was a
little proud of myself for seeking her out and getting a hug and talking to
her..even if it was just for a little bit…and then I started to look for the
other lady and I had to go back into the chapel part and I saw her and just
sorta waited for her to again notice me..and she did..and of course the first
thing she did when she saw me was offer me a hug..and you know asked how I was
doing and everything..and as we were walking out..i asked her if I could ask
her a question and she said yes and of course then I couldn’t get the words out
for what I wanted to ask her..and she was pretty patient waiting for me to
ask..and my nervousness was really keyed up and I was almost ready to take back
what I wanted to ask before I asked..ugh…but finally I mumbled out my request
for her to pray for me..which led to even more questions some I answered and
some I didn’t…I told her that I had specific things that I wanted prayer for
but I also told her that I couldn’t tell her all of the reasons yet..and so she
asked me a few more questions about more general stuff..and somehow we ended up
talking about anxiety..and some of my fears associated with coming to church
and all of that.and some general family questions and things..and she did pray
for me before I left her today..and she told me that she would pray for me
during the week too..and she walked me to my car..and I got one more hug before
leaving her today..oh she also asked me if I was okay..and I swear I went stupid
for a minute and almost asked her to define what she meant..i asked her
something as a response and she repeated the question and I finally told her
that I was ok..and we left it at that..i didn’t think today was the day to just
lay it all out for anyone..and well I kinda need to be absolutely sure that she
will keep everything confidential..i really would prefer you know that everyone
did not find out things about me..and im trying to trust at least these two
women because I need support from somewhere you know..and if I cant have it at
work because its not appropriate then I need it from a safe place..and from
safe people..so yeah..i guess I left today feeling a little more accomplished
since I had spoken to both of them on my own today..even though I was really
scared to do it..the 2nd lady who I will call D told me that I could
have sat with her today….and I told her that she sat entirely to close to the
front for my comfort..and she actually told me that she would have moved back
some to sit with me..given I don’t think she would been as far back as I was
but well I guess I could have compromised..so yeah..i was feeling a bit more
settled leaving..still a bit sad…and im a little bit nervous about my meeting
on wed .. I don’t know what to tell her..or what to ask for..or if I just need
to spill my guts and tell her everything..ugh I don’t know..i will see..my
nervousness will prolly cause me to act fairly stupid for a while..
Hmm do I articulate well ??
D mentioned that to me today..she said that I do articulate and speak
very well..and I of course started denying it and everything..but I don’t think
it’s the first time ive been told this..i don’t remember clearly but I am
almost certain I have been told that I speak well..i mean I just assume that I speak
you know lol..nothing special..sometimes im told that I talk so proper..that I talk
like im white has been told to me before too..just a random thing from today..
But did go and get nia today and the drive actually wasn’t very
bad at all..kinda relaxing..and for a little while I was feeling so just okay
with everything..i wasn’t worried or scared or anything..i was just enjoying my
music and the drive and was at peace sorta..but got nia and we drove back..not
a bad drive or anything ..certainly not stressful at all and we were back at my
house before 6..so it was a success..im kind of excited that she is here…but
well I have to remember that I need to stay in control of myself and no doing
anything stupid..so that part of things is a little overwhelming but I will
manage…
Hmm I think that is all…just needed to get out my thoughts
about today..now back to working on paperwork..yep
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