"Force
yourself out of the victim mode and begin to take positive, strong,
healthy steps toward incorporating your pain into your life, learning
its lessons and moving forward into joy and peace again." - by Wendy Keller
this is my life...this quote could sum up things quite nicely i think...i am still so very much in victim mode..i dont want to be though..but i think that i am afraid of changing..afraid of letting go of past stuff..i dont know how..i feel so lost without..i dont know who i am without..im ashamed and guilty and hurt and afraid..i feel like ive missed out on so much because of being afraid..but so much of what i know comes from being hurt..from being ridiculed..from being yelled at and hit and hurt..i still have a hard time acknowledging that it was abuse...i still want to make excuses for all that has happened..i still carry the blame and hurt around with me..its always there..i think about it..worry about it..hate it but cant let it go...im so very stuck.. and i want to hurt..i want to hurt myself because i am afraid..and sad..and scared..im afraid of what i think..im afraid that i want to die..im afraid that i want to hurt myself..im afraid that people will look at me and say im crazy..and say that i just need to be locked away like mommy did..she said i should be in the hospital..she said that something was wrong with me..she told me that no one would do that..why would i do that..why do i have to be so hateful to myself?? i want to hurt myself now..i really do..and it has taken a lot for me to not do i. i want it..i want it so very much..i want to be able to move past what i am thinking about..i want to be able to do this without help and i cant..it is really hard knowing that i cant do this without help ..i dont like that i need to ask for help..i dont like i am scared of how i am feeling..i dont like that i see nothing wrong with wanting to die or wanting to hurt..i think that i want to isolate a lot right now..and i am feeling guilty for wanting lady to give me attention so much right now...i fought myself hard to not cave and call her again..i dont want her to worry about me..i dont want her to know just how sad i am ..but i am sad..very sad..i feel so alone with all of this...very very alone...maybe i will work on a collage tonight...i need to do something because im afraid that i will cut..im afraid that i will start looking for something to ease my inner pain and then i will be able to show that i am hurting..that i am sad..that i need help and safety and support and care..thats all i know how to do..i dont know what to do with myself right now...i dont think that i will be going to sleep tonight though...i really dont :(
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