today has been a very hard day..and although i have been babysitting all day..im still feeling very sad and upset..i dont want to hurt myself i dont..but its as if this huge pit of sadness has opened up and im being sucked into it..and i dont know how to get out of it..if i could i just would shut off my head and everything in it..because im tired..i dont want to have to deal with myself today..i dont want to really deal with anything today..and im trying hard to stay patient with the little boy im watching..and we are having quiet time now..ive fed him for like the 6th time today..so yeah its quiet time...
the past stuff though is really pushing at me today..im afraid of being hurt..im afraid of mommy..im afraid of being hit and im afraid of being left alone..and i cant seem to figure out which is real and whats not..logically of course i know that i am here and mommy isnt and that im not at home and that im not being hurt..but i think that its happening..i feel thats its just all happening and my feelings of need being overwhelming..because its like suddenly i need my supervisor..i need the pastors wife..i need someone to tell me that i am ok and that im not going to be hurt..and that im safe now..my fears are just being made so much bigger..and im getting stuck with wanting what i cant have..and somehow i inadvertently sent a message to lady about staying with her..and promising to be good..and once i woke up..i apologized for it..and realized that i am just displacing my feelings horribly on her..and its like she has somehow moved into parent role..and i guess i may need to tell her that..cas i was messaging her earlier and telling her that i wanted her to be here..and that i was nervous when she wasnt here..and so im feeling really upset that she is out of town..and its like i have no right at all to feel that..she is an adult and has her own life and can go and do whatever it is that she needs to do anytime she pleases..but i find out about it and its like its a personal blow..and i feel hurt that she isnt here ..and i need her to be here..and she told me that she cant be the only support person and that i need to reach out to others and tallk to others..and i dont know how to tell her that i just want her and no one else..but then she mentioned that you know something could happen to her or she could just not be available ..and yeah that caused more freaking out..because then my thoughts became like omg you cant say that..dont say that..nothing is going to happen to you..i dont want anything to happen to you..and yes i know that im being irrational..i do..but still i cant seem to get a handle on them..and its just going back and forth.wondering about past stuff..confusing it with present stuff..wanting comfort and not able to get it..and just feeling so mixed up and confused today..and my headache is coming back..and im not sure what it is that i want to do..i just keep thinking that i dont want to hurt myself..i cant do that..but i just dont know what it is that i do want to do..or if i want to do anything..i am trapped in my head today..a lot trapped ..
if this is a med induced issue then i hope like heck that it passes quickly..if its not and im just crazy ..well thats something else..but yes..i figured there would be some issues with stopping the med..but goodness..did it have to happen so darn fast..ugh
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