what has abuse taken from you?

i actually saw this in a blog the other day but it was in reference to rape...and ive been thinking about it since i read it and it makes me wonder a lot.  i know that my past is affecting my life a lot..but sometimes it is hard to recognize just how much it affects me...how much it still hurts me..and how i struggle with being able to fully let it go..

so what has abuse taken from me ??

I feel that my ability to see myself for who i am has been taken from me. I depend on others to judge my self worth. i depend on others to tell me if i am good or not.  My views of myself are very negative. i grew up hearing that i was just stupid and couldnt do anything. i was compared to everyone else and asked repeatedly why i couldnt be like them.  i wasnt an individual at all. i became a collective of everything that i was told i needed to be. i tried to become everything that i was told i should be.  in the process i lost my own views of myself..i lost being able to grow up to be who i am, i grew up without positive self esteem. I became an adult that does not know who i am. but i know what everyone else wants me to be.

My ability to feel safe in the world and trust others was taken from me. i am afraid of everything and everyone. I am afraid of being hurt by everyone. i am afraid to talk to others. i am afraid to be around others or form relationships. i have difficulties trusting other people and believing other people when they are talking about me in some way. i dont feel safe in the world at all. i worry and become anxious going into crowded places or being around to many people.

Im putting personal misconceptions into its own category because i dont know how to really decribe this one...i learned to hate myself..i learned that it was ok to destroy myself. mommy was doing it, other people were doing it, so why couldnt i do it? but i got really good at it and it became who i am. i hurt myself and i struggle to see why it is wrong.  i struggle to understand why people say it is dangerous and why it is easy to lose control.  if nothing else i can control my needs when it comes to hurting myself..i believe i deserve it. i believe that it was all my fault and so i deserve to hurt. i deserve everything that happened because i was bad. because i didnt listen. because i didnt do what i was supposed to do. i hate myself and it doesnt bother me. it bothers other people and that confuses me.

My ability to think rationally was messed up. my irrational thoughts take over.  old thoughts take over. old issues take over.  my thoughts are confusing and mixed up. my thoughts become child like and confused when i am supposed to be in an adult world.

My ability to form stable relationships has been taken.  my fears overwhelm me when dealing with relationships.  i dont trust.  i am afraid. i cant be touched. i cant be loved. i dont believe i can be loved. why would anyone love me ? i am broken.

i was never able to learn what love was..what love is..i never had that supportive parent relationship. i was afraid of mommy.  i am afraid of mommy. i tried to hide from her. i tried to avoid her. i didnt want her attention at all..and i grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me. that i was unloveable ..that no one wanted me..no one loved me. i never got comfort or understanding .. i stayed away from everyone.  i am not able to be near people.  i dont want attention...but i still crave attention..i want to be loved and supported and needed. i want to feel like i matter and that i am wanted by someone..i am to old to be looking for and needing a parent but that is what i want.  that is what i need. i want a parent. i want to feel that love and comfort. i want to be hugged all the time. i want to be talked to..i want to know that someone thinks that i am important. and i havent found that ...not completely..ive somehow found different ppl that i am finally letting into my little world..i will accept hugs and seek out hugs from certain people..but then i try to push them away when i feel afraid...i worry that i overwhelm them..that i want so very much from them and they cant deal with me and my needs..and i feel like i will drive them away.  that they will be afraid of me .that they will not be able to help me..that there is nothing in me that will be saved...i just want consistency. i think that is it. i want a constant person who is there for me all the time.  i think that does make me feel selfish. that i want to have someones attention 100% of the time. i just want them and i dont want anyone else to need them or want them..i need so much comfort..i have so many hurts..i dont know what will make the hurts go away. 

i take my anger, my hurt, my sadness out of myself.  i blame myself. i am ashamed of myself and things i have done. i am afraid of the world, of life, of living ..and i dont know how to deal with my life on a daily basis.  i struggle to control my moods..i struggle to release my emotions in a safe way..i feel that i have been ruined..my mind is broken. my body is destroyed..my fears prevent me from being completely involved in my own life..it is hard for me..very hard for me..i hate that i am so affected by my past.  i hate how im still afraid..how im still hurt...how im still so sad..and its not fair..its really not fair..