ive had a major headache for a couple days that i cant seem to get rid of..my head just hurts and im just feeling so tired and out of sorts because of it..i dont want to be bothered..i dont want to hear anyone talking to me and well yeah..all of that...
hmm well yesterday i didnt get to talk to lady at all..like sit down talk..i saw her for a little bit yesterday after bible study..but it wasnt the same..did get a hug from her..and from one other person..and so i think my attention/comfort needs are being kicked into high gear.but yeah no session with her or t this week..so i think my head is a bit full of things..and questions and wondering..but yesterday well before bible study when my head was getting away from me..i did call lady and talk to her a little bit about some of my thinking and stuff..and she encouraged me to go to bible study..she may have told me to go..but i dont remember..i think wanting to see her was the driving force with showing up..but anyway did go..although i do believe i was physically ill from the anxiety :( i hate that happening..its like i get so worked up..and afraid..and then i feel so sick and awful until im actually in the thing that had me so afraid in the first place..but well lady's daughter was waiting for me..hence lady had told her to look out for me..and gosh darn it she was definitely looking out for me..cas she snagged me as soon as i like walked in..and we hung out for a bit waiting for her mom to come but she didnt cas she was still in some meeting ..and of course my head is going crazy and im feeling jealous about her being somewhere without me..but her daughter was ok i guess..she tried to talk to me and i asnwered her sometimes ..but my anxiety about just waiting and being in church was making me feel all over the place and i think i was just having trouble focusing..and she vetoed my idea of sitting in the back of the church..i told her i wanted to sit in the back..i told lady i wanted to sit in the back..i explained that the front made me feel anxious and like everyone was looking at me..and etc..and of course they both said no..they said that the more i sat in the front then the more i would get used to it...i really wasnt to fond of that little plan..but sit in the front i did..well i was in the 3rd row on the side..and was really freaked and uncomfortable..partially due to being in the front..and partially due to what the topic was...heh the topic was self talk and how it affects you, how it happens..etc and so forth .. and so yep i was like you have got to be kidding me..and well the conversation that went on was helpful i guess..i think..it had funny moments and it made sense you know..about how negative stuff kinda just happens and how hard it is to work towards being positive and how the negative could cause other problems like health problems and mental problems and stuff..so again it was one of those things that i prolly needed to hear big time..but my nervousness did cause me to kinda zone out at times when it felt like i was just like wearing a huge flashing sign that said look at me..i have issues..ugh..but sat through it with lady's daughter..and after it was over..i was just sitting there and she asked how i thought it was and everything..which led to a completely different conversation about how i was feeling and how i was thinking and so on and so forth..and her daughter shared some of her story with me..and told me that she could relate to some things i was dealing with like the negative thoughts and negative self talk and fear and anxiety..and i listened to her..i tried to listen to her..she again gave me the speech about making the choice to feel better, to fight for myself..and we had a conversation about how suicide is a ticket to hell..and i dont want to go to hell..i dont want to keep hurting..i just want to be happy..but i think the question that keeps coming up is just how hard am i willing to work to get it..how hard am i will to fight for it..how much am i willing to change and grow and get what it is that is waiting for me..whatever that may be..and she talked to me and told me a lot of different things..which makes me really wish i could remember things better..but yes i stayed with her and all of that..and soon after that left to go home..but one of the things that was mentioned last night in bible study was that the more a person tries to hide..the more visible they are..which irks me so much lol! i try to hide..i do hide..but yeah..major uncomfortableness at a lot of different points during the service...and then at the end when i was just sitting with ladys daughter and talking about my fears of being watched and stuff..and her daughter so nicely pointed out that i was not being watched and that no one was paying any attention to me..but that i was staring down everyone else..which i immediately realized i was doing..i was just sitting and watching everyone talking and stuff..and i didnt mean to stare..i just needed to see where everyone was..what everyone was doing..ugh im so very weird.. but yeah that was yesterday..
completely came home and took a little to much of the sleep meds...i was completely out of it this morning trying to wake up..wont be doing that again..it wasnt a suicide attempt or anything..i just wanted to sleep and not wake up a million times during the night..but yeah..well i slept..thats for sure..
and then this morning ..hmm well this morning i had an appointment to see a new pdoc...and i made it to the appointment just in time..but with the first meeting she asked all the background questions and what not..and she was ok to talk with ..it was hard as it always is have to talk about my background and my issues and what im doing and working on and all of that..i dont like doing that...and so we talked about my medicine and how i had been feeling and everything...and well there has been another change to my meds..the doc pointed out that the wellbutrion could be making me feel more anxious..and the thing is i have been more anxious lately you know..but i wasnt thinking it was a med issue..so the new plan is to stop the wellbutrion and adding in clonazepan...to help with the anxiety ..with the hope that once im feeling less anxious about everything then i will be more able to talk and work on other things and get the full effect of the other meds..but also stopping the trazadone because of the sleep effects of the clonezapan ..so yeah will see how it goes...because the other option would be to try zoloft..so yeah..hoping it will help..i dont like the med changes..i dont ..but i just feel like i will make more progess if i can get my mood stabilized..just let me get settled in that way and i think with less worrying and anxiety i would be able to think and process things and not feel so afraid of like everything..but the really unnerving thing was that i saw the pdoc today..talked to her for over an hour..and im positive i looked at her a couple times maybe..but because of what we were talking about my eye contact was exceptionally bad..but we set up an appointment before i left and then i went and checked my schedule and had to go back in to reschedule. and well the dude went and got the pdoc for me..and i swear that when she came up to the front i didnt recognize her at all..i didnt know who she was..and wouldnt have answered her if she hadnt asked me about the appointment time..i was freaked and forgot what i had even come in to tell her you know..i mean i truly did not know her..it was like she was this entirely new person was standing in front of me..but i swear i had just talked to her..for a freakin hour i talked to her..and then i couldnt even recognize her?!!?! it was very unsettling..very :( but anyhoo i have the script for the new meds..but cant get them filled until next week after getting paid..and yeah..also was able to find out that i can get my effexor through them again at no cost..but it will take a little while for them to come in..so yeah that will be really helpful..due to how expensive that darn medicine is...but yeah am hoping that it will even me out and all of that..
and so yeah..thats been the past couple days i think..the weather has been pretty irky..rainy and wet and chilly..the chilly part i am fine with lol..the rain i could do without...and im helping someone out this weekend and babysitting for friday and saturday..i dont mind..i really dont.cas im going to really assume that the kid can keep himself entertained lol..i mean yes he talks a lot but i dont mind that at all..so it will be an interesting day and a half at least..im hoping to find something free to take him to do on saturday..and it will get me out of the house ..so will try to find something..i wish i did have money so that we could go out and do something fun and spend money lol..but nope..no money at all..so yeah it will be no like eating out or anything ..so just a quiet day im hoping for..well as quiet as a day can be with a small kid..
but yeah im trying to take it easy this evening..my head is still bothering me a lot..im not really tired per say..but im just trying not to do anything to aggravate my head anymore..
hmm made chicken quesadilla for dinner..turned out quite good :)
ok i guess thats all of my rambling for today...
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