i did work this morning..and into the afternoon..and then i ended up going to the office to work on paperwork..although it was at that moment that i was really struggling with the need to hide and just give up on everything..i got a message letting me know that i wont be able to talk to lady tomorrow..:( and it was like my whole world just kinda dropped..i know that maybe im over reacting..and maybe im looking into all of this to much..i dont know..but i just had a hard time dealing you know..i was upset and hurt and sad and my head was not in a good place at all..and so yeah i was struggling ..but instead of going home i did go to the office..i figured it was safer there..i wouldnt be alone there..and although i was majorly distracted and struggling i did get a portion of my work done at least.which was something..and when i reached a point of not being able to handle anyhting else i just stopped and turned in what i had...and i came home and just crashed..i wanted to sleep but instead i read for a couple hours and then my head kinda rejoined the real world..im a bit more alert but still really tired..i think not sleeping so well is affecting me..and im going to take my meds soon and just get a full nights sleep..
i mean yeah im still really sad and out of sorts and feeling like there is so much pressure in my head..i am feeling a lot like i have no one to talk to..im freaked out a bit..ok a lot..but im no longer in danger of hurting myself..those thoughts have passed and i have passed into numb shut down phase..but i am not thinking of anything dangerous...im just tired you know..worn out and tired and not wanting to deal with anyone at all for a while...
so yeah..the plan for tonight is food, a little bit of work..meds and then sleep..hopefully a full night of sleep ..
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