my head is spinning..i have such a headache right now..and im feeling to much inside and i cant make sense of anything and i want to be with someone but i dont know anyone to be with and i want to talk or something but again i dont know who to talk to.. i dont know who i want..i dont know what i want..im feeling lonely..very very lonely..and unheard..and quiet...very very quiet..
i have been feeling very angry lately..i keep feeling angry and upset at everything and at everyone ..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i just want to hide..and i am isolating a lot ..even with my sister here i am still getting stuck in my head..i dont want her to be here anymore really..and i feel really bad for that..but its just that her being in my space is overwhelming me..and she isnt even here today..she went with a friend and im ashamed of the fact that i really wanted the time alone..that i didnt mind at all that her friend wanted her to visit and stay for a day or so..i should want her to be here..want her to visit..and i am..but 2 weeks is pushing it..pushing my limits..pushing my desire to be social and accommodating..its not that i dont want to do things with her and generally i do have a good time with her..but its just me and my own stuff that starts getting in the way..i cant deal with anyone for long..not on a continual daily basis..im not good at it...but the way i am feeling lets me know that i need to not be alone right now..but i am alone..im sad and alone and just not able to really deal with things in my head...
the past couple days ive felt like im just not fitting in..and i think i may have written about it already a little bit..im not really remembering right now..and its making me want to do really crazy and stupid things..like i dont want to see my therapist tomorrow..i dont want to see lady tomorrow..but not seeing them will leave me worried and stressed out to the max...but i get these ideas in my head that i dont need help..that i dont need anyone at all..because obviously nothing is wrong with me..and i dont need anyone to talk to me or do anything with me..i want to be left alone..i want to just be by myself..and at the same time i want attention..i am craving attention so very much..i want to see them and talk to them and feel like i matter for just a little while..becuase i am feeling so different..so messed up..so broken...like im not messed up enough for myself or anyone else either..i feel like everyone else was able to identify what was wrong and get help and have support..and i try but i just cant manage it..my need to be 'okay' outweighs anything else..i need to seem like i am okay..i need to know that i am seen as being able to manage and able to deal with anything..and it doesnt matter how much i torture myself or how much i hurt myself..or how mean i am to myself..there is nothing in me to be happy about ..there is nothing in me worth keeping..and i just wonder why it is that i cant go away..why cant i just give up and call it quits and just not care anymore..what is it that holds me here?? what is it that keeps me suffering so much..what is it that keeps me feeling miserable and sad and angry..why is it that i cant acknowledge outloud that i am hurting..that i do need help..that i do need to talk and express what is wrong...i feel like i am moving back into a very depressed phase..and it is not lifting at all..its just getting worse..so much worse..and i feel like im just messing up everything ..and struggling with everything and not able to say just how bad things are feeling for me..and it makes me upset..because i see everyone else being able to do it..everyone else can ask for help and support but i cant..something is just so screwed up with me..something is so very wrong with me...but im so good at pretending..im so good at trying to fit in and playing a part in what is going on..i participate to a point..and then i just kinda fade away into the background...im feeling very much like i am pushing everyone away from me..that i dont want anyone to care about me..and i just want to be alone and have no one care at all..i dont want to worry that i am making someone worry about me..and so i feel like doing stupid things..really stupid things..and im trying so hard to stay in control..to not cave in..to not hurt myself...i keep being told that i have the choice..that i make the choice to hurt myself..to hate myself..to destroy myself...and how is it that i learned that it is ok to see those things??? who gave me the idea that i dont matter..that i dont have to be safe with myself..that its ok for me to hurt myself because i am nothing?? and all day today and yesterday i am thinking about all of this..and the more i stay stuck in my head the worse the feelings get...i cant get away from them..i cant let them go..and im afraid that at some point the thoughts will win..and i will not be able to keep myself safe..that there will be nothing left for me..that there is nothing worth me being here for anymore..and it is very hard..i dont feel positive..i dont feel anything but sadness right now..and im trying so hard not to react to how i am feeling..im trying hard to remember that i do have people that care..but my need to be rational is being quickly outweighed by everything else..my rational thinking is gone..irrational wins...nothing makes sense..im just broken ..and my pieces dont fit together at all..my pieces cant be put back together...i dont have the strength to keep fighting this never ending battle with myself...someone has to win..someone has to make it stop..something has to give...
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