im just broken

i am just feeling sad today...sad and incredibly broken and just out of sorts...ive spent most of the day just not feeling good at all..and i was sick and constantly running to the bathroom..and i just seemed to lose all of my energy..and being out in the heat today did not help at all...i dont know...church this morning has me thinking about things a lot a lot a lot...it was elder wilson today becuase the pastor and his wife were out of town..and i missed her..not so much the pastor but i did miss the pastors wife a lot and wanted her to be there..but i also really enjoy elder wilson and im not sure what draws me to her..but i just want to be near her and with her and of course i want her attention..all of her attention..and i could sit there and just listen to her talk..and i want her to talk to me and just me..and once again my loyalties are changing..and i am becoming more and more attached to the two of them..and i dont understand why..and its like ok i feel the need to be with them..all the time..its so weird..but then i guess its not because i do this...i dont know why they change though..maybe it is because i am needing to find people who are more able to give me what it is that i need..but i dont know what i need..i just want them..i want to be protected and to feel safe and loved and supported and i want it from them..
i did go to church this morning ..with nia..and i was very controlled today for a couple reasons...one being that she was there and i just am not comfortable doing things out of the ordinary with her there..and second i wasnt feeling good .. i felt fine this morning when i got up..but about 20 mins into church i felt so headachy and sick..like queasy and i was getting major cramps..so yeah..i asked my director for something with sugar and she seriously brought me a piece of like a pastry of some sort..and i ate that and it helped a little bit ..but still i just couldnt deal with standing up a lot and kept sitting down and i was getting so so tired..i just wanted to put my head down and go to sleep..but the sermon was umm about truth, the way, the light..and how it relates to god..and cripes she made a lot of sense you know..a heck of a lot of sense..and at the same time i think i was still resisting it and her..i cant hear it fully..i think i am still so very upset with god for not protecting me..for not helping me..i asked for help..i prayed for help..and no one helped me..i am very mad at god..and i think that is why i am so resistant..so removed from it all..and she did the whole you know you can come up if you nneed prayer or something ..and again it was one of those times i would ahve given anything to go up there..i wanted to go up ..i wanted to be prayed for..i just wanted peace..i wanted to feel safe..but i didnt go up front..and i just happened to be sitting behind the woman that had asked for the elder to come to her due to a health issue and not being able to walk to the front..and she came and prayed for her..and again my jealously spiked and i wished so so hard that she would pray for me like that..that she would show me that she cared...and i just sorta watched and at the same time tried to stay out of the way...but after this particular prayer..she went back up front and made the statement about how she felt there were others that had not been able to come up to the front who needed prayer or help..and so the whole prayer thing started all over again..and it was like deep prayer..like ppl screaming and falling and things like that..and i just watched..i watched and observed and took it all in..but i didnt react..i didnt ask for anything..i dont even think i was praying for anything i was just watching..and as i watched i started to wonder if something was wrong with me..if maybe i was doing this whole religion thing wrong..i wondered if there was something that i was missing..something that i just wasnt feeling and everyone else was..i felt left out..like once again this is an area that i dont fit into..and so the only thing that made me feel better was that i got to hold my directors hand..something that i have wanted and wanted to do..and got to do it today..and i tried hard to find comfort in that...tried hard to know and understand that she does care for me...and so i was just wondering what it is that i was doing wrong..and why couldnt i feel anything at all like everyone else..i dont understand what is wrong with me..but the service ended soon after ..and i realized that elder denise was sitting up front..by herself and i was concerned..because she had put so much emotion and feelings into the sermon and the prayers..and so once everyone had kinda left.i went up and sat next to her...and for a little while i had her attention all to myself..and we talked about some things..she noted my confusion and resistance to god and all of that...i asked her about heaven and hell and suicide..and i tried to take in what she was saying..i tried to listen to her..and she made honest statements about me and how she saw me and stuff..and she mentioned that i was making things more difficult and that i didnt have the hope or faith placed in god to help me..and she is right...i dont .. i dont have faith or hope in anything or anyone..its just me and it feels like im really alone and by myself..and i dont know how to make it better or fix it...how many times do i need to go to church..how many times do i need to try before i realize that i have failed at yet another thing...what am i not doing right ??? why do i go to church and still feel completely alone..completely lost ..and utterly confused..why am i not getting helped :( and again i just question that something is so wrong with me..im so very messed up and hurt and broken that i am not letting anything in at all..i just want to hurt myself..i want to hide and i want to just go away you know...this is all so hard and so frustrating and i dont know what to do to make it better..its like i have all of these emotions inside of me..and they have just built up and built up and built up..and now i dont know how to release them..i dont know how to express them or get them out safely..and its like now when i need them to release they wont..the more i feel that they are going to release i fight to gain control over them..i have to keep control..but i think i have reached a place where the control no longer helps me..the need to control myself is getting in the way..and i am not able to express myself or show how i am feeling without resorting to hurting myself..and i dont know what to do..i dont know how to fix it..right now i am feeling a lot like hurting myself..because i am upset..im sad..there is something wrong with me..elder asked me today if what i was doing now was helping me..was it working...i told her no...she asked me why couldnt i let god help then..because i had tried everything else..and she is right..i have tried everything else..i have tried doctors, ive done therapy..ive done meds..all of it..ive done..and still im here..and still im struggling..what is left for me to try?? what is there that i can do that is going to save me..or help me..or keep me safe? what is there that is left for me to do??