Monday, April 30, 2012

ramblings

today has been ..i dont know how to really describe today..i mean it wasnt a bad day..it wasnt..for the majority of the day i was feeling ok..there was a little time when i started to feel out of energy..tired and cranky and a little sad...but it passed..i had to work to contain my irritability...i really did at times with a couple clients..but i did and it ended up being ok..i actually came home and cooked dinner..a big thing for me lately!! and then i actually called kathy and talked to her :) which did make me feel happier..and i know that when i see her i will get a hug..and im trying to be patient..i really am..but darn it i wish she was still at the office..but i did tallk to her so ill take what i can get..its not like i can make her come back..i dont know how many times ive asked her to come back..but ok..umm ive not really thought much about what i wrote earlier..i guess im thinking about it..still woondering about it..wondering what is different..wondering why now you know...why not years ago??  so much could have been avoided..i could have joined the world of the living so long ago..but its now that things are changing..now when i have found support and care and love..a steady supply of it..am i able to see that things can be different..that things can be ok..has everything in my life led me to now?  right here? have things happened as they are supposed to?  did i need to have the hurt and pain and all of that to understand where i am at now? i want to say how unfair it is..but thats the way it happened..kathy says that forgiveness is key..forgivness for me not for them..for me..and well i think that for me..i need to accept before i can forgive..i need to be able to speak what has happened..speak it honestly..feel it..know it..let it go..and then i think ill be in the place to forgive...im not rushing it..i dont think i can..ive tried and nothing good has come of it..nothing at all..so yeah..overall i have been calm today..my mood has been ok i think..but well eating an actual dinner has made me feel tired ..darn ... cas i have a butt load of notes to get done..yikes

so just some rambles..nothing very thrilling ..

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