burned bridges

today...today has just been really hard..in so many ways...my head hurts..and i just want to lay down and pretend that i can block out the world for the rest of the day.  i cant deal with anything else today.  i dont want to think about anything else..i dont want to process anything else. i just want to feel safe..i think all that has happened today is beginning to catch up with me and its so draining..earlier today i really wanted to just go home and sleep after therapy.. i was physically tired after seeing t today. my body was tired, my mind was tired..talking today wore me out..and i was fighting tears in her office..

but i need to write it out..already im forgetting..but i want to try to write some of it out..

i told t about what i have been remembering..i told her why i felt it was my fault..way i should have stopped it..i told her what happened to the best of my ability..i told her how it was handled..and i tried not to cry when i told her about the things that happened afterwards..the way i was blamed and unable to defend myself..it was the first time ive ever told anyone about this particular thing..because it holds so much shame and guilt..and i feel so horrible about it..and i want to cry still and plead my innocence like i wasnt able to do when i was a kid and this all happened..i wanted to be told that it wasnt my fault..that i didnt want to hold on to it anymore...and in my fear i talked to her..and tried to stay present but my head hurt so so much..she did tell me it wasnt my fault..she heard me out..she told me that i was a victim in the situation and that she understood how my thinking about it came about..i wanted to say it wasnt my fault..but fear and blame held me back..i told her it was my fault..that everyone told me it was my fault..and there was no way for me to explain it or to defend myself or anything..i just took in all the blame and turned it around until i made it even worse and i punished myself for it..i still punsih myself for it... i think it made t sad though..to know how long ive been punishing myself for something that wasnt my fault..she asked me what i would need to forgive myself..what i would need to do..what i would need to happen..and i dont know.i dont know how to forgive or how to let go of the hurt..i dont know how to let go of all the blame and fear..and i want to say .. i want to tell someone that it wasnt my fault..that i didnt say no because i didnt know how ..i was afraid..and the age thing isnt the biggest factor ..because my body age was one thing but my mental age was a little different..i didnt know about boundaries and saying no..i didnt know that i didnt have to do what he wanted..i didnt have to let him do it..i dont want the blame anymore..its so tiring carrying around so much blame and guilt and it wasnt my fault..no matter what anyone else may think..it wasnt my fault .. i want so much to believe it.

its still so scary...we spent some time talking about forgiveness and things in t today..it was just a sad and hard session..admitting some things that happened..and struggling to get myself grounded after leaving..i went to work but it took a while to get myself to calm down and regroup..pretty tearful and all of that..am feeling ok right now..just really tired..and feeling confused a little bit..

did have a chat with my director today..and yep it was one of those 'of please dont do this' conversations..yuck..but pretty much it was that she couldnt be my counselor..and that i toeing the line with boundaries by wanting to talk to her so much and what i wanted to talk about..and so she mentioned dual relationships..and yeah..i started drifting then..i dont want her to go away..she told me that she cares..and that she supports me..but more or less that there are some things she will not talk with me about..and so pretty much i have to back off a bit.a lot..i have to back off a lot :(  but the problem with that is that i need to have someone i can talk to and see and just be with..who i feel safe with..and as i was talking to my director today she mentioned a couple ladies at the church who may be good to talk to and trust..both women i know sorta...both ppl that i think i could learn to trust..and well i emailed one laddy since she is like the pastors wife..and she is nice enough..and i swear i emailed her and she actually responded and that is scary..i dont think i expected her to respond to me..but she did..so i will have to see how it goes..and how i feel about it...i know that i cant have everything with my supervisor..i want everything but i cant have it..and so all of the feelings/needs/wants are going to have to go somewhere..its just so hard .. i feel so out of sorts with all of it..

so i am trying to take it easy i am..im not having such a good self esteem day/week..whatever..im afraid..worried you know..about things

my director also told me that she will not be at church this weekend..and she said it would be good if i still went..and that scares the heck out of me..go alone?!!?!  im freaking out a bit about it..worried...but due to my lack of feeling safe right now..i want to go..but going by myself and sitting by myself is scary...so yeah..not sure..